Luckily for Mr. Ledger, most children aren’t smart enough to make “ledger” jokes. Luckily for me, I have dictionary.com
Heath Ledger (who was born with a name which involves the ill-conceived combination of a chocolate toffe bar and a book used to record transactions) is dead. I hereby express my sympathy to all you hugely gay-men who got hugely gay-boners while watching him make-out with Jake Gyllenhaal in “Brokeback Mountain” while sitting next to your, at the time, EXTREMELY uncomfortable straight friend (whom you obviously have a crush on) who decided to see it with you as a joke and began to immediately regret that decision during the intense and passionate scenes of painfully anal gay-sex during which, by the way, you were obviously sporting both a huge boner AS WELL AS a facial expression which expressed intrigue, suspense and extremely homoerotic fantasies involving your straight friend who has been in the bathroom for, like, 30 minutes, probably because of that pariod of 15 minutes (immediately after the first sex scene) where you stared at him while breathing heavily and rubbing his very tight-fisted and reluctant hand against your crotch…wow. Not only was that the longest structuarlly valid sentence in recorded history but also probably the gayest (even moreso than “OMG, I want gay sex…NOW IN 3-D!!!”). But I digress.
For some unknown reason, all of the 3-D glasses in the movie
theater are stuck together…
HEATH LEDGER
FUCKED THE OLSEN TWINS (
yes, really, we’re not making this up) WHILE SNORTHING COCAINE. While all of you may be a bit ambivalent about having sex with twin sisters whom you’ve basically known since childhood (
making them both ALMOST family) as well as the vivid memory you hold of them as 11-year-olds, you also know that, deep within your loins, you not only want to bang them to kingdom cum (pun intended), but if you had thought of it, you would do so while snorting an 8-ball, because, hey, why the fuck not (
you’re already banging the Olsen twins, so what’ve you got to lose?!). Sure, they may not be as attractive as most of the Hollywood elite (
Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie), but god damnit, they sure are YOUNGER (
Ms. Berry is the ripe age of 42, and Jolie is 33), and though they are in their early 20’s by now, they sure as fuck don’t look it. Admit it guys…you still have a thing for all those 16 year old girls that you didn’t date in high school because they were dating college guys (
and also b/c you were a total loser who brought his Star Wars collectable action figures to school in a special, gold-embroidered glass-case).
Above: My actual prom date
I’ll be the first to say this: 16 year old girls are fucking hot. In the 1800’s, a girl as early as 12 could get married. To her FIRST cousin (I’m looking at YOU, Edgar Allen Poe). Here is my point: I am NOT advising anyone to marry their 12 year old first cousin. But I AM saying that the acceptable age of consent, and therefore beauty, has changed over the course of human existence. It is completely natural to be attracted to a 16 year old woman who has a fully developed body and who is already sexually active (citation needed/awesome). At 16, their bodies are at peak child rearing age, which means that they pretty much have perfect bodies without even having to try…though there is much less scientific evidence (i.e. NONE) to justify pre/post-marital sex with the following:
This was “HOT” by 1842 standards. In the year 282 B.C., a
fertilized egg was the subject of many-a erotic cave paintings…
Editor’s note: I am starting to sound like (and currently AM) a total pervert and will therefore rethink how to focus this article AWAY from 16 year old girls, though I am not sure if I know how…speaking of which…
Google.com; enter search: 16-year-old girls; 1,000,000 + infinity results found (20 minutes later) “Look officer, her website SAID she was 18…”
Oh Pedro, didn’t Napoleon teach you better than that? Your
political career is ruined…
Want
MORE hilarious pedophile traps? “To Catch a Predator” has to be the most HILARIOUS thing ever invented. Plus, the decoy is friggin’ hot…at least that’s what I said during my closing statement at the trial. I also proposed marriage to Chris Hansen.
Posted on
Friday, December 19th, 2008
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