9/11 Ettiquette: 5 Rules for Dumbasses
The events of 9/11 were nothing short of tragic. On my favorite Soap Opera, General Hospital, Billy was just about to kiss his brother’s ex-husband’s ex-wife’s husband when ANNOYING NEWS COVERAGE interrupted my “regularly scheduled programming!” How rude of you, Osama Bin Laden…you ruined my day! 9/11 FAIL!
As you can clearly see in the above example, speaking of 9/11 as simly a trivial inconvenience is not only a dumbass thing to say, it’s also EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE! But fear not, morons. Below is a set of rules regarding proper 9/11 etiquette, along with well-publicised examples of these rules being broken (and their consequences). I hope my reader(s) will share with their friends and family to prevent these incidents of stupidity from happening again.
RULE #1: Do not speak of 9/11 as a tragedy because of how it affected YOU in a trivial manner! (see introductory paragraph)
Rule #2: Do not speak of the widows of the 9/11 terrorist attacks as “enjoying their husbands’ death.”
Sounds simple enough, right? Who would be stupid enough to belittle the loss that all of the 9/11 widows have suffered? Honestly, no one on EARTH could be that fucking stupid…right?
Obviously you haven’t heard of Ann Coulter, Conservative “columnist“/sensationalist shit-stirrer. However, she does live on a whole other planet, so you might have been correct to say “no one on EARTH could be that stupid.” Her insanity would take an entire post to cover…so if you desire to learn more about this psychopath with no standards, look no further than our analysis.
Rule #3: Don’t refer to the victims of 9/11 as Nazis
Again, this should go without saying. Yet former Professor Ward Churchill, formerly of the University of Colorado, decided to whimsically convey his disdain for American capitalism by calling the victims of 9/11 Nazis. In his “academic” essay, probably titled, “Fuck It, I’ll Never Get Tenure Anyway,” Churchill refers to the 9/11 victims as “little Eichmanns.” For those of you rusty in WWII history, “little Eichmanns” is NOT the German version of Disney’s “Little Einsteins”. Rather, he is referring to Adolf Eichmann, chief architect and mastermind of the Holocaust, a man arguably MORE EVIL than Hitler (as though Hitler wasn’t evil enough).
Now, I know you “Freedom of Speech” nuts out there would argue that the University infringed on his right to Free Speech by firing him. And you would be correct. However, a little-known fact about juries came back to haunt Churchill; mainly the fact that all juries in America are AMERICAN. And Americans don’t particularly like it when know-it-all professors call victims of a terrorist attack Nazis. Therefore, although he did win his lawsuit against the University of Colorado, the AMERICAN jury awarded him a whopping $1. This is about as close you can get to a jury saying “Not Guilty…but still an asshole.”
Rule #4: Do NOT Publicly Express Your 9/11 Conspiracy Theories (even though Bush did it)
Another Professor, this time in the heart of Anti-America (France), has decided to end his career in Academia on his own terms, this time by calling 9/11 an “American/Israeli Conspiracy.” Look, Aymeric Chauprade, if you think you can talk about other people talking about 9/11 conspiracy theories, in France, you’re dead wrong! If you lived in America, you could call them Nazis and win a WHOPPING $1 (which is like 1 billion Francs). You WISH you had our freedoms, our Statue of Liberty (which we AREN’T giving back) and our World Trade Cent…errral Park! Yea, I bet you wish you had our World Trade Central Park, too!
Rule 5: If You Are a Dumbass, Just Don’t Say ANYTHING About 9/11…EVER!!!
There are plenty of things that are funny in this world, and NONE of those things is 9/11! If you still think that Osama Bin Laden is Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth father, you probably should shy away from hot-button issues, be it 9/11 or any of the following: Pearl Harbor; Homelessness; Fag-dragging; Jim Crow; Slavery; the air-speed velocity of an African swallow; religion; or pretty much anything for that matter. Basically, what I’m trying to say is…if you don’t know what a contradiction is, or do know what a contradiction is and think that it’s still okay to have them in your argument…JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING…EVER!!!
4 Comments to “9/11 Ettiquette: 5 Rules for Dumbasses”
HAHA. Excellent!
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Merci Miseur Static. Mon poste aussi a’ etre de Neuf/Onze Humour (Thanks Mr. Static. My next post will be about 9/11 Humor)! Je suis Francais, tu ne connais pas?! (I am french, didn’t you know?!) I mean…
No Ablo Englais…ou Francais…Me Spanish (I no speak English…or French…I am SPanish)!!
OUI! YES! Encore! ENCORE!!
This is your crème de la crème, dear Julio!
Never has there been a “cause célèbre” bigger than 9/11.. Quelle horreur! Not to mention all the conspiracy theories. Some of them interesting, some of them utter shit (c’est le merde)! Most of the theorists themselves are just “agent provocateurs”, uncertain as to what the facts are yet (since no one really knows yet; maybe 20 years from now we’ll all know what went down [besides the Towers].)
As for heartless people like Ann Coulter (les enfants terrible), how dare she! “Sacré bleu!” She should be ashamed of herself and her detestable faux pas! May a message from Congress interrupt her next interview.
The “pièce de résistance” here was certainly RULE #5..something which anyone who speaks before thinking should consider. But that may be asking too much… of those ….who are incapable of thinking!
VIVA Project Julio: le Tour de Force!
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