The Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator: Just Blame it on Liberals
Pat Robertson: The Man
As we all know, ever since God accidentally created Pat Robertson from a mutated fragment of Hitler’s DNA, Liberals have been a bigger scapegoat for all society’s woes than the Jews, 9/11 and violent video-games put together. But this idea is anything but original, as this Conservative axiom of “Just blame it on the Liberals” has gone unchanged throughout human history. Whether it be when the Liberal Jews decided to follow Jesus, thereby forcing the Conservative Jews to kill him in order to “conserve” their corrupt power structure. Or when the Liberal Jews in 1930’s Germany decided to own successful businesses, thereby forcing the Conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestants to “conserve” their awful business philosophies by committing genocide. Or when the Liberals of the USA promoted gay rights, thereby forcing God to arrange 70 virgins for each of the 9/11 hijackers. Or when the Western Liberals of the late 1800’s ended the slave trade, thereby creating a pact with the devil, thereby causing the Haitian revolution, thereby forcing Satan to cause the 7.0 magnitude Earthquake that killed over 150,000 Haitian civilians.
You see, in Pat Robertson’s world, and the ignorant wackjobs who provide him with a forum to create that world, the Liberals are to blame for all the world’s problems. It is the conservatives, rather, who solve those problems by doing nothing. For you see, nothing can really be a problem if you resign yourself to hopelessness and decide that all problems are unsolvable.
Pat Robertson: The Bullshit
Bullshit was invented by “Dr.” (Ph.D in Bullshit) Pat Robertson, circa 33 B.C. (or as the ATHEISTS/LIBERALS say, B.C.E.). The height of this achievement, however, did not occur until early 2010, when Pat “horse manure” Robertson stated as fact that Haiti was “cursed” after a “pact with the devil.” Unfortunately for Mr. Robertson, this is somewhat based in fact, but not in the way that he thinks. You see, the myth of the Haitian pact with the devil was originally crafted by the Haitians themselves, and used as a weapon against their enslavers. During the Haitian revolution, Haitian general (a black general…IMPOSSIBLE!) Toussaint L’Ouverture used the ignorant superstitions of the Europeans (regarding African black-magic) as a weapon against Haiti’s oppressors.
You see, prior to Toussaint, a leader of a major slave uprising named Francois Mackandal used an especially painful poison to assassinate enemy generals and afterwards openly claimed to have been using “black magic” to cause those deaths. The fear spread by these superstitions aided in reducing the morale of French troops. This increase in fear led to frequent retreats by French forces during battle, and also reduced French support for the war effort. You see, Mr. Robertson is not CRAZY…no, it is the cunning intellect of 17th century Haitians that serves to prove that Pat Robertson is STUPID. He’s an ignorant, superstitious egomaniac, much like the French slave owners in Haiti over 200 years ago. Pat Robertson is just the kind of racist idiot that the “black magic” myth was intended to fool.
Pat Robertson: Just Blame it on the Liberals
Recently revealed on www.krapsody.com is a list of persons, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to “Acts of God.” Below, we here at Project Julio will provide a list of person’s, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to “Acts of Liberals.” Oh, and if you’re looking instead for a “Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator,” just follow this simple formula: “Problem X” is/was caused by “Liberal Group Y” because of “Liberal Action Z”. Example: 9/11 (x) was caused by Homosexuals (y) because of Double-fisted anal/penile penetration (z)
Project Julio Presents: The Official 2010 Pat Robertson “Acts of Liberals“:
*The Making, and epic failure of, Kevin Costner’s film “Waterworld”
*Itchy Wool Sweaters
*9/11: see above example for details
*Kevin Costner
*The hole in the Ozone Layer: because liberals starved the Ozone Layer of its precious CFC’s.
*Oxycontin: the only drug that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Rush Limbaugh
*Earthquake in Haiti: due to the terrible events known as the “Abolition of Slavery”
* Pedophilia: the only affliction that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Republican Congressman Mark Foley
*The Civil Rights act of 1964: “since when did MONKEY’S have the right to vote?!”
*Hurricane Katrina: again, double-fisted anal/penile penetration
*Reality: for having an “inherently liberal bias” – Stephen Colbert
and finally…
*The View: double-fisted anal/penile penetration…AGAIN
6 Comments to “The Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator: Just Blame it on Liberals”
@Static, I feel like a dumbass as I only now get the magnitude of your joke.
@Michael – nice job using the bible against Pat Robertson. It seems his greatest enemy is someone who actually reads it instead of people who let assholes like PR read it for them.
Personally, I have a rule against believing anyone who invokes God as a point of validity. Let’s see ,God told you to drown your kids? Fail!
If we throw PR’s BS back in his face this is what we get:
When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.
Deuteronomy 18:22
Pat Robertson was already king of humanity. Between 1935 and 1945. HINT HINT. (Pssst. I’m saying he’s Hitler! Just don’t tell him I said that; he might call a crusade and put out a hit on me!)
Gosh, that Pat Robertson is a wise old dude. Just imagine. A world where Pat Robertson was King of Humanity.
Let’s hear it for the uptight, dickless, racist wonder. Whoop! Whoop!
I blame PR for global warming. He’s full of a lot of hot air.
CAPTCHA Bitches, take that pharmecutical spammers!
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