And now

another asinine guest post by Static

“Must… Self administer… Defibrillator… & Buy Fax machine… Or time machine… ‘07 model… Get me some hot Hobo Chick action…”

William Shatner – Famous Hobo

What is “Hobo Chic” and how does it become “Accidental Sexiness”?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of “Hobo Chic”. Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

************next slide************

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo…a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I’ve had a stack of newspapers that I’m still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It’s okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn’t all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila…a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

“How do they do that?” they asked, “I have to have the look!”

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the “Hobo Chic” look.

Cruising’ for hobo chicks

So how does “Hobo Chic” become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren’t)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick hot…as long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

This:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

For a hobo, it’s love at first sight.

As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it’s easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men’s advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.

The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
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And Yet Another Senseless Guest Post As If It Were Possible You Think Out Loud To Yourself by Static

Hey everyone. How the hell are ya? I wanted to address the list of offenses we (may) have created, especially with our last posts.

We..or I should say I (since Julio is insensitive to paraplegics, and everyone on the planet actually, including me).. I would like to offer an apology to anyone who is truly offended by our shock blogging, especially regarding the Para”OMFG”Olympics, and the Robot Chicken posts.

If you are paraplegic or quadraplegic. It is no laughing matter how you ended up as such, and nobody should make fun of that. I also offer my heartfelt sympathies for any Robot Chicken or Dharma ‘n Greg lovers out there.

However, it can be considered pretty funny if you are a Robot Chicken loving paraplegic, who fully understands the risks of being a Robot Chicken lover, and engaging in competitive sports that result in a pile-up of wheelchairs on the race track.

Would Christopher Reeves be offended by any of that? Probably not. He was a go-getter, and a head strong individual with a thick skin…or perhaps he was a weak spined individual with a thick skull, we haven’t made that determination yet. Chris Reeves says:
Stop yer whining!

Anyway…Do you think he would be offended by a picture of himself faced with having to enter a non-handicap accessible heaven? I think he would be pissing himself…with laughter (not just because he often pissed himself for lack of bladder control.)

I find that people who are easily offended are:
a.) Uptight people who have to find something to bemoan about, or they feel their lives have no purpose otherwise
b.) Uptight people who recently experienced that which is being made fun of
c.) Uptight people who know someone who is uptight with what is being made fun of
d.) Uptight people who are uptight about everything in general
e.) All of the above

So to you folks who are classified as anything contained above, you need to loosen up a bit. Here are some tips on how to accomplish this without embarrassment.

Loosening Up is Done by Letting Go
No, no. Don’t let yourself go. Let go! There is only one thing we need to control and that is our own reactions. And the way to control our reactions is to loosen up by letting go. This is but one subtle way of letting go. So get naked and run down the street, start talking to a stranger at the bus stop; ask them for the time – which will be hilarious, because well, y’know..YOU’RE NAKED! What do YOU need a watch or know the time for? Chances are, if you’re naked, you have nowhere to be except prison. After getting naked and asking some random person for the time, then slowly rip a really loud fart in front of a large group of people. Remember, letting go takes love.

Observing Through Self-Observation is Important
Loosen up pal. Go to the zoo. Hang out and watch the monkeys and apes for awhile. These are your direct relatives. Get in touch with them and get in touch with that side of yourself. Observe the monkeys observing you. They only wish to emulate you because you are pretty smart…for a monkey. While you’re at it. Go play with them, maybe the zookeepers will mistake you for one and lock you in with the monkeys removing you from “normal” society.

Loosening Up and Letting Go is Freedom (as covered above)
It is our own self-observation that is the key to this higher order of awareness. Self-observation allows us to understand. The silent observer that lives within does not think, it sees light of our new understanding. This higher freedom comes in direct proportion to what we are willing to learn about ourselves. The next time you decide to judge someone else’s stupidity..think of your own for a moment before you do. After an hour long narcissistic rage, you’ll remember that even you are not perfect..your chances at perfection are about 300 Billion:1 (only Julio and myself are that close to perfection). Just keep licking the mirror, you’ll eventually get it.

Have the Right Intention
Be a willing participant and look in the right direction. At first it will be humiliating to see and then admit that you only thought you were in the driver seat. The good news is we are never trapped by where we are. The trap is always who we are. To learn how to loosen up by letting go can help you to inwardly grow and the easier your whole life flows. That’s why you need to don a turban, and give a hand job to the first middle eastern man you see. As I said previously, letting go takes love. Lots and lots of it.

Want What Life Wants
It is not what life has brought you that you don’t want. It is your reactions that turn the gift of life into the resentment of it. It is your own ideas about life that have failed you. What happens when you want what you want? You become nervous and anxious because life may not cooperate with your plans. We were not made in our own image. When you want what life wants you are never disappointed with what happens. Even if life wants to take a huge dump on your chest, and then it does.

Letting Go of Regret
Do not look back at regret. Regret only ties you to the old life level that doesn’t know better and keeps you from the one that does. Let the fighting end. Don’t let the current of the past dictate the direction of the present. It is never right to feel wrong, no matter how right you think you are. And even if you’re right, you’re wrong (unless you are me or Julio.) So don’t regret the oh-so-wrong and stupid decision to get drunk one morning and tattoo a checkerboard on your face. Coz that’s one rad checkerboard..on yer ugly puss, dumbass!

So ya see, it’s really not that hard to let go and loosen up. Especially where shock blogging is concerned. It’s just so much easier to give a shit.

And if it’s too hard for you to do that, then you are just going to be disappointed by everything and have quite the uphill battle, moron. So good luck with that, you depraved flea-infested unfortunate occurrence of unprotected intercourse and heart-sickening sub-literate simpletons!

Oops..seems I need another lesson in letting go..so get over it. That’s right. I’m a dick, sometimes. Because there are moments where I just don’t care give a shit. Until next time pinheads.

You can find more about Letting Go and Static Being a Total Dick goddammit simply by f@#king visiting:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
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this shit is bananas

Another Senseless Guest Post by Static

Imagine being a huge geeky-nerdy fan of one of your favorite shows..which you are..and have someone dash those dreams and hopes into the dirt, making you feel like a complete tool. Well, that’s what happened to me the other day.

After posting an article about a favorite show of mine on Krapsody.com, my discovery that the Cartoon Network-Adult Swim series Robot Chicken in fact sucks, was a rather disheartening experience.

Lets have a look shall we?

“Julio said…

Sorry, but I friggin’ HATE Robot Chicken. The following is EVERY ROBOT CHICKEN SKETCH EVER:
1. Use characters from sit-coms and cartoons that aired between 1980 and 1990. If said characters aren’t present, then something of this sort should occur (i.e. something involving the balls): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtOLqNuTOag
2. Make said characters act like every-day individuals in every-day situations. Resist keeping them in-character; they must act OPPOSITE to their character. Therefore, Darth Vader is afraid of spiders and Charlie Brown kills baby animals…for fun!
3. Rinse and repeat.

April 30, 2009 7:22 PM”

“~Static~ responded…

@ Julio – But that’s what makes Robot Chicken so endearing.

Robot Chicken makes fun of mediocre sketch comedy formulae, while proudly supporting it at the same time…

Or something like that…

We’re vulnerable here, please stop toying with our fragile self-conception!

May 3, 2009 1:34 PM”

Clearly, you can sense my shame in my response. But even more shameful is what other people like to do when they think about Robot Chicken.

Geejus krist that’s disgusting!

Just when you thought Project Julio would dispense with the shock tactics, huh? Nope! icanhascheezburger will have more uploads like this in the future to share with PJ/NPH readers!

Note: Chicken maniac..err Chicken man’s picture can easily be found just be Google-ing the keyword “colonel’s secret recipe”..either Google fucked up, or that is in fact the Colonel’s secret recipe.

Anyway, as if this wasn’t enough, I also have a confession.
To further distinguish shame from embarrassment, I wish to point to two types of embarrassment. These I will call embarrassment as self-consciousness and embarrassment as mild shame.

In the latter type, embarrassment as mild shame is related to a negative self-evaluation. For example, in reference to Kentucky Fried Chicken, a person’s negative self-evaluation of eating is not associated with the amount of food that he or she consumed when not hungry, but was linked to their perceptions of being restricted from those foods leading to

1) an eating disorder and becoming very thin, or
2) not caring and becoming grossly overweight, or
3) having a balanced lifestyle approach and indulging on occasion, but looking healthy in appearance
4) a complete fuckwit who puts a rubber chicken in their butt anytime Robot Chicken is mentioned and then takes a picture of it which ends up on the net
5) following number four the chicken stuffer’s identity becomes known

In the first type, embarrassment appears to be more shyness than shame. Such as

1) being a self-unaware nerd who likes Robot Chicken
2) being a self-aware nerd who loves Robot Chicken
3) wanting to put a rubber chicken in your butt anytime Robot Chicken is mentioned

Self-consciousness, such as the embarrassment of admitting to enjoying the show, Robot Chicken, led to embarrassment and humiliation and my self-conscious discovery that I am a HUGE nerd. But I’m not as much as a nerd as say..Barack Obama.

At this point it is probably pretty obvious that I’m a bona fide nerd. I was fully aware of this fact before just now, but this morning after I woke up, I had a legitimate full nerd moment that I can’t deny at all. I sat at my laptop, closed my eyes for a few seconds and…

recited Pi to as many decimal places as I could remember.

I got to 3.14159265359 and was actually excited about my abilities until I suddenly realized I had settled into full nerd territory. The worst part about it is that I’m not ashamed about it at all (possible negative self-evaluation or embracing that self-evaluation and making it a positive one).

Most people who think they know me, don’t know the full extent of my nerdiness. In reality, probably only 2-3 people fully realize just how much of a nerd I am. That’s about all the people I know really…I tend to only display around 22.87% of my nerdiness to the general populace, and around 18.07% of that is through my blog. But 99.9% of my readers KNOW this already.

The other .1% are either clueless, or are just self-unaware nerds.

With this giant leap into the land of Geakuh (pronounced: Geek), I may just begin to reveal more and more of my nerdiness to the world.

Clue #1 – I like Star Wars. Stay tuned for moar kthxbye!

Julio’s Note: For a more sexually arousing version of this article, visit here. Also, Kudos to ~Static~ for discovering this site: http://www.pornolize.com

You can find more about Static’s Nerdom by visiting:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
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Following up Julio’s recent post on shock material, I’ve decided to continue the Campaign of Shock with a second installment of Shock! Are you shocked yet? Well you should be!

Our mission at Project Julio and NPH: Tired of all the lolcat, loldawg and lolrus internet phenomena we have made a non-verbal agreement to wreck icanhascheezburger.com, via shock site tactics because we are tired of your nasal bleating, Fisher-Price web activities, Internets!

So there ya have it. More Shock! to assault your senses. You have inadvertently put your finger on the dark fear haunting the feeble internets. What sites will we single out next? Stay tuned to find out.

For those who are truly shocked we hope we’ve left your quivering souls in complete awe – in some sense, you easily offended sacks of bodily fluids are superficial semi-persons assembled from packaging; infinitely sad, second-rate replicants who don’t really know what they are doing here, but feel vaguely significant, compelled and creative each time they gaze at their sleek designer machines and power them up to view Project Julio.

You can find out more about Shock Blogging by visiting:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
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What in the hell is hell? I’m not a christian or a religious person. However, IF I could define hell, I’d say that it would be having your car break down in rush hour traffic on the freeway, hundreds of people trapped behind you, cars and cars full of angry eyes, they honk their horns, give fingers and yell out their windows as they go around you.

The predicament makes you so frazzled you stop thinking straight and make a hasty decision to walk to a payphone because your cellphone is dead. Along the way to look for a payphone an SUV full of teenagers (who are obviously driving mommy’s car) chuck a milkshake on you and proceed to laugh and speed off splashing you with a huge puddle of water beside the road.

By the time you call for help and get back to your car, it’s been towed by the police because you essentially “abandoned” the vehicle without so much as leaving a note in the window (oops, won’t ever do that again.) So then you end up trying to hitch a ride, finally after flashing your hairy pasty white leg at a driver they pull over.

You get in the car and you enter the world of “creepy guy” who proceeds to hit on you in every way imaginable. After protesting his advances he goes psycho on you, and robs you at screwdriver point (that’s when someone holds a screwdriver to your jugular and starts making demands, thank the stars he isn’t demanding teh buttsecks.)

After being robbed and beaten about the head and neck with a screwdriver handle he dumps your half-conscious body near an underpass where a stray dog humps your leg and pees all over your head. This disgusts you but nevertheless rouses you from your concussion, and you then begin walking to the nearest payphone to call the police. But you realize you are in Crackville, have only spare change, and waiting for the cops to arrive in such a neighborhood isn’t such a good idea any way. So realizing you have some change, you instead look for the nearest bus stop to get the “hell” out of Dodge.

While waiting for the bus a homeless guy asks you for some spare change. You tell him you don’t have any but he doesn’t believe you. He gets angry and belligerent, he tells you that you are not a good christian, that the apocalypse is near and then he starts to throw feces on you. You run out into the street to escape the mad man and a bus nails you head on sending you airborne.

You land on a speeding car that veers out of control when the driver freaks out, and go crashing through the front window of a 7-11 breaking a gas main, the accident causes an explosion that nearly incinerates everything within 1,000 feet of it’s epicenter.

You then wake up in the hospital (since you aren’t dead yet) with 3rd degree burns over 95% of your body, in fact most of your flesh is gone and they have plans to do multiple skin grafts from the skin on your ass (the only place untouched by the explosion.) Months and months into the procedure a nurse one afternoon forgets to keep your life support plugged-in and you slowly slip into a coma.

You wake years later and don’t remember anything, everyone you knew gave up hope that you’d ever “return” and are no longer a part of your life to help refresh your memory, or hold your hand through this difficult time. An inexperienced by-the-book representative from a collections agency shows up upon hearing of your recovery and since the insurance ran out a few years ago, he/she orders that you pay the sum of $12 million dollars for your hospital stay or you’re out on the street.

That’s hell. Of course hell could also be allowing a guy like me to guest post on your blog.

Visit Krapsody.com to find out what kind of hell is in store for you!

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit MyBlogLog and get a signature like this!