Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

Personal Life

Family

Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Nice try Mr. “first-black President.” I know they don’t call you Lincoln-esque for nothing. Abraham Lincoln, after the end of the Civil War, declared that all slaves will receive “40-acres and a mule.” Nowadays, I would imagine “40-acres” to be equivalent to a government-owned 800 sq/ft apartment, and “a mule” to be a Ford Mustang. Unfortunately, being that many black people already have both of these, a suitable replacement has already been created. An $819 Billion “Stimulus” Package is actually a disguise for an $819 Billion “Reparations” Package!

With 34,996,643 black people living in the United States, that equals to about $23,000 per person. That’s $23,000 CASH-MONEY. Enough to either lift them out of poverty by providing them with enough capital to start their own business and go to college OR to spend it on really REALLY expensive shoes, jewelry and RIMMMMS!!!

(RIMS: Being poor and uneducated never looked so good!)

But don’t take it from me. The lower-middle class white Republicans @ the Red Stick Republican’s Rantings blog sum it up in the clearly veiled classism/subconscious racism that we have come to expect from lower-middle class white Republicans, “We are encouraging citizens to no longer appreciate the moral capacity to understand hard work and sacrifice…and encouraging welfare.” I believe it’s called the “Red Stick Republican’s” blog because, on weekends, he sets aflame two intersecting sticks in front of the lawn of an interracial couple and basks in the red glow of the racist flame.

(the "Red Stick Republican" family picknick)

But don’t take it from me (I’m just a hobo for Christ’s, the king of all hobos, sake). Take it from Conservatives themselves, who would ‘never’ change their “core” issues depending on how damaging it could be to the opposition. For instance, Welfare, which used to be a major issue that propelled the Republican party to popularity in the late 80’s, is just as big of an issue today as it was 20 years ago. But when the Democrats suddenly decided to reduce Welfare dependence and end poverty with such programs as “Welfare to Work,” the Republicans realized that they were far too dependent on this once divisive issue between Right and Left. Some even decided to rally against such programs for fear that and end to the Welfare system and black-poverty might endanger their political careers. Due to the Democrats’ commitment to Welfare reform programs, most of which expired in 2004, talk of Welfare as the biggest threat to our nation is restricted to hillbillies aged 65 and over who still think Clinton is President.

Why? Not because the problem was ever really solved, or that Welfare ever was a real problem in the first place (the Welfare program has cost under 1% of the national budget since it’s inception), or that Ronald Reagan handed out cigarettes to children. No…welfare was a divisive issue because it was a divisive issue rooted in philosophical differences including: fairness and equality of the Left; and the work and responsibility on the Right. It never mattered whether it actually aided in either of these ideals. It only mattered that it could turn out votes and distract us from real, greater social injustices. Like reality T.V.

Nothing says "Christmas" quite like Ronald Reagan sending you a carton of unfiltered cigarettes!

On September 30, 2009, the US Senate, which is currently/supposedly “controlled” by the Democratic party, “voted against a proposal to put a government administered ‘public option’ in the health reform bill that will come out of the Senate Finance Committee” (www.intershame.com). For those too lazy to follow the link, here are the names of 5 Senators who betrayed the Democratic party, accompanied with links from the “contact me” section of their official websites: Max Baucus (D-Mont), Kent Conrad (D-ND), Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark), Bill Nelson (D-Fla) and Tom Carper (D-Del).

Update: The ASS Party

According to NPR, “Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid began private meetings Wednesday with fellow Democrats and the White House to merge his chamber’s two health care overhaul bills into a single plan that could win a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate.” This means that, despite Baucus’s and other Democrats’ epic backstabbing, Majority Leader Harry Reid rode (or flew, rather) in on his magic dragon and busted a cap into the ass of his party, herein known as the “Ass Party.”

But the battle ain’t over yet, nor has the obese woman screeched. We still need to make sure the 5 Democrats mentioned earlier make the filibusterer-proof majority a reality and not just a novel notion. Myself a hobo and avid doodoo sculpter, I am somewhat of a skeptic of their success. But homeless or not, I will stand by my party…until they fail, until which I’ll run as a 3-rd party candidate under my very own just-now-created “Hobo Party,” the requirements of which require the lack of permanent housing, no more than 2 sets of clothing or at least 3 scars acquired during scuffles over discarded food (most Americans now qualify).

On October 9th, 2009, President Barak Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.  He was nominated for this, one of the most esteemed awards a human being can win (up there with the Daytime Emmy, Latin Grammy, and the fabled MTV Music Award), just 11 days after having been sworn in as President.

The reason is quite painfully obvious.  The Nobel Peace Prize is a front for something far more sinister.  But first a brief history lesson.

Alfred Nobel founded the Nobel Peace Prize in his last will and testimate, to be awarded to people who have made great discoveries in specific scientific fields or written a great work of idealic literature.  But who was Alfred Nobel?  Nobel may best be known for his founding of the Peace Prize, but the man himself was actually an inventor.

Nobel found that combining nytroglycerine with certain other compounds stabilized it into a more usuable substance.  What substance?  Dynamite and Gelignite (better known as blasting gelatin).  Alfred Nobel stabalized one of the destructive chemical compounds known to man, allowing it to be used more safely to destroy things more easily, then set up a “Peace” Prize for “great works“.

The most esteemed “Peace” prize is to be awarded to “the person or society that renders the greatest service to the cause of international fraternity, in the suppression or reduction of standing armies, or in the establishment or furtherance of peace congresses.” (-Wikipedia)

President Obama clearly demonstrates his “reduction of standing armies” when he has, so far, done nothing to reduce troop deployment in Iraq or Afghanistan.  Will this trend lead to giving awards for good intentions and best laid plans.  Will next year’s Oscar’s be based on planned movies?

With this in mind, we here at Project Julio would like to submit the following movie for consideration in the 2010 Academy Awards:

A Hobo’s Struggle. Starring George Clooney, Oprah Winfrey, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, with Catherine Zeta Jones, Neil Patrick Harris and, back from the dead, Mahatma Gandhi.  Steven Spielberg will be directing, with Michael Bay in charge of the giant robot battle sequences.  This film promises to bring tears of joy, tears of happiness, intense alien battles, and visual effects unlike anything ever witnessed, ever.  All mixed in with scenes leading to awkward erections, and weeping children.  Our organization will be spending upward of 200 trillion dollars on the film, that is expected to be at least 43 hours long, with a special directors cut featuring over 100,000 hours of real hobo interviews.

Also, those of us here at Project Julio would like to appologize in advance for being unable to attend the academy awards, and would like our awards mailed to us.  Thank you in advance.

-Jorge

"Une Hobo," a source either of the joy on our dim city streets and/or of my anal warts.

According to Wikipedia, a figure of speech is defined as “a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification.” As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won’t have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to their pathetic attempts at conversational improv. (Hint: When applicable, I will underline the figure of speech within each corresponding sentence, like so.)

Schemes:

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike

Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help androgynous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence

Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures — are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine feuled stupors?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another

Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Home, though for you it may actually be prison, nonetheless provides warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses

A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)

A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order

Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance

Hobos provide city streets with the most beautiful displays of public nudity, as well as unique personalities and outrageos drunkenness. And though their bat-shit hallucination-filled insanity knows no equal, their public urination and attempts to pass as stranded motorists in need of gasoline money are also priceslessly entertaining…though not AS entertaining as the drunken conversations with mailboxes, as mentioned earlier under “bad-shit hullucination-filled insanity“.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order

When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect

Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction

Dearest hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first

Hobos, those travelling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse

Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio’s note: That’s all for now, but don’t worry — part II of “Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos” will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)

Get it? He's happy because he's got a GIANT BALL OF FIRE to put out!...or maybe it's the 300 dead fire-fighters. Who knows?

Can 9/11 be parodied in good taste? It seems the very notion of combining comedy and 9/11 is doomed to failure. However, George Carlin famously stated that “…anything can be funny. It is just a matter of emphasis.” What he means by that is, for example, poking fun at the VICTIMS of 9/11 is emphasizing the tragic, which is exactly what you would want to de-emphasize.  If you’re looking for a large list of attempts at 9/11 humor, visit this site. If you’re looking for a structural analysis of how these jokes can be composed with a high degree of success, finish reading this article. Both sites, however, are best viewed in tandem.

When making a joke about 9/11, a skilled humorist would want to abstract as far as possible from the actual tragic events themselves, where 9/11 is in any other way (as the punchline [change in expectations], for example] rather than the premise (or main idea) of the joke. One clear example of this can be seen in a 9/11 joke on Family Guy when Brian, after traveling back in time, decides to settle an argument in a bar by asking his opponent to meet him at the “top of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.” The reason this joke is tasteful (as tasteful as you can be about 9/11) is because, though you feel awful about how 9/11 was used for humor, you also realize (at least subconsciously) that the joke’s premise is “Brian will trick the guy into arriving at a place in the future at an unopportune time,” which just-so-happens to be the Twin-Towers on 9/11, rather than the far more offensive premise of “9/11 was HILARIOUS! All those people died…rofl!”

Here’s another example that I crafted during a recent trip I made to California while carrying 100 lbs of Mexican cocaine!

Example 1: The events of 9/11 were nothing short of tragic. On my favorite Soap Opera, General Hospital, Billy was just about to kiss his brother’s ex-husband’s ex-wife’s husband when ANNOYING NEWS COVERAGE interrupted my “regularly scheduled programming!” How rude of you, Saddam Hussein…you ruined my day!

The joke here is regarding my character’s insensitivity regarding the tragic events of 9/11 by emphasizing his prioritization of his own trivial inconveniences, as well as the well-being of the characters in his Soap Opera, over and above the actual suffering of actual human beings. This clue appears when my character refers to 9/11 as a “tragedy” and then immediately goes on to describe the contents of the tragedy…NOT in terms of the actual suffering of the actual victims, but in terms of how his life of staying-at-home and watching Soap Operas is being interrupted.

As you can clearly see, though this joke comes awfully close to being ABOUT 9/11, it is actually about how someone else views OF 9/11 presented in a way contrary to that which is expected by the set-up of the joke. Essentially, this joke dodges a bullet because the main idea of the joke is to parody the lack of intelligence (shown by how he blames Saddam Hussein, who had nothing to do with 9/11) of someone who is insensitive about 9/11 rather than to parody 9/11 itself. The offensive version of this joke would be as follows:

Antithesis 1:  The events of 9/11 were nothing short of…entertaining! You see, the T.V. remote was broken, and I was too lazy to change the channel. Then, an awful Soap Opera, General Hospital, came on when HEROIC NEWS COVERAGE interrupted my regularly scheduled programming and provided me with hours of explosions which climaxed with the demolition of the Twin Towers and the death of 3,000+ innocent citizens! Thanks, Osama Bin Laden, you made my day!

It's like "Where's Waldo," except Waldo is the one being stoned to death for being gay.

This joke is far more offensive than the first because:

1. It fails to abstract from the details of the event and instead lists them explicitly (e.g.  explosions; demolition of Twin Towers; 3000+ deaths)

2. It says that Soap Operas are WORSE than 9/11 (e.g. HEROIC news coverage)

3. It PRAISES the tragedy and turns it into a positive (e.g. …entertaining; Thanks Bin laden, you made my day)

In addition, this “joke” uses an individual who is knowledgable about the 9/11 attacks, as shown by his  consistent use of well-accepted facts thereof. This is contrary to the previous joke which uses clear example of an individual with an obviously distorted view of reality. As a result, the lesson learned here is that in order to make a joke about an offensive subject is to ensure that the main character of the joke is made out to have a distorted worldview or be absurd in some way.

Counter-Point:

Or maybe, just maybe…maybe emphasis doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s like the Aristocrat joke, a joke which defies these normal conventions of “tact” through its flagrant discussion on child molestation, incest AND fecal lubricants. Maybe “tastefulness” is not a quality inherent of humor, but rather artificially inserted by social norms. Or maybe…maybe tastelessness is ENHANCES humor. Maybe the uncertainty of whether the content is acceptable or not increases the little-understood mechanism that causes laughter. I should warn you, however, that if a joke is ONLY offensive and contains no other comedic structures or elements, it will NOT be funny. Examples of these can be found throughout the internet. But I can assure you, we at Project Julio would NEVER sink to that level. Ever.

Or maybe sometimes making something that’s offensive EVEN MORE OFFENSIVE will be so deliberately offensive that it’s funny. Such as those located throughout this article.

The only thing that could make this worse would be...uhm...I don't know!

Why is this wrong? You mean other than how it generalizes the entire Muslim community as terrorists?

CONCLUSION: This attempt to explain 9/11 humor is inconclusive. The tastefulness of humor has been called into question and, therefore, Project Julio is unable to justify or distinguish “polite” humor from “impolite.” I will search my soul (which I stole from a blind Pakistani child named “Paula Abdulla“) to see if I can discover the source of this uncertainty.

enuqgdxs2m

The events of 9/11 were nothing short of tragic. On my favorite Soap Opera, General Hospital, Billy was just about to kiss his brother’s ex-husband’s ex-wife’s husband when ANNOYING NEWS COVERAGE interrupted my “regularly scheduled programming!” How rude of you, Osama Bin Laden…you ruined my day! 9/11 FAIL!

As you can clearly see in the above example, speaking of 9/11 as simly a trivial inconvenience is not only a dumbass thing to say, it’s also EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE! But fear not, morons. Below is a set of rules regarding proper 9/11 etiquette, along with well-publicised examples of these rules being broken (and their consequences). I hope my reader(s) will share with their friends and family to prevent these incidents of stupidity from happening again.

RULE #1: Do not speak of 9/11 as a tragedy because of how it affected YOU in a trivial manner! (see introductory paragraph)

Rule #2: Do not speak of the widows of the 9/11 terrorist attacks as “enjoying their husbands’ death.”

Sounds simple enough, right? Who would be stupid enough to belittle the loss that all of the 9/11 widows have suffered? Honestly, no one on EARTH could be that fucking stupid…right?

Obviously you haven’t heard of Ann Coulter, Conservative “columnist“/sensationalist shit-stirrer. However, she does live on a whole other planet, so you might have been correct to say “no one on EARTH could be that stupid.” Her insanity would take an entire post to cover…so if you desire to learn more about this psychopath with no standards, look no further than our analysis.

Rule #3: Don’t refer to the victims of 9/11 as Nazis

Again, this should go without saying. Yet former Professor Ward Churchill, formerly of the University of Colorado, decided to whimsically convey his disdain for American capitalism by calling the victims of 9/11 Nazis. In his “academic” essay, probably titled, “Fuck It, I’ll Never Get Tenure Anyway,” Churchill refers to the 9/11 victims as “little Eichmanns.” For those of you rusty in WWII history, “little Eichmanns” is NOT the German version of Disney’s “Little Einsteins”. Rather, he is referring to Adolf Eichmann, chief architect and mastermind of the Holocaust, a man arguably MORE EVIL than Hitler (as though Hitler wasn’t evil enough).

Now, I know you “Freedom of Speech” nuts out there would argue that the University infringed on his right to Free Speech by firing him. And you would be correct. However, a little-known fact about juries came back to haunt Churchill; mainly the fact that all juries in America are AMERICAN. And Americans don’t particularly like it when know-it-all professors call victims of a terrorist attack Nazis. Therefore, although he did win his lawsuit against the University of Colorado, the AMERICAN jury awarded him a whopping $1. This is about as close you can get to a jury saying “Not Guilty…but still an asshole.”

Rule #4: Do NOT Publicly Express Your 9/11 Conspiracy Theories (even though Bush did it)

Another Professor, this time in the heart of Anti-America (France), has decided to end his career in Academia on his own terms, this time by calling 9/11 an “American/Israeli Conspiracy.” Look, Aymeric Chauprade, if you think you can talk about other people talking about 9/11 conspiracy theories, in France, you’re dead wrong! If you lived in America, you could call them Nazis and win a WHOPPING $1 (which is like 1 billion Francs). You WISH you had our freedoms, our Statue of Liberty (which we AREN’T giving back) and our World Trade Cent…errral Park! Yea, I bet you wish you had our World Trade Central Park, too!

Rule 5: If You Are a Dumbass, Just Don’t Say ANYTHING About 9/11…EVER!!!

There are plenty of things that are funny in this world, and NONE of those things is 9/11!  If you still think that Osama Bin Laden is Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth father, you probably should shy away from hot-button issues, be it 9/11 or any of the following: Pearl Harbor; Homelessness; Fag-dragging; Jim Crow; Slavery; the air-speed velocity of an African swallow; religion; or pretty much anything for that matter. Basically, what I’m trying to say is…if you don’t know what a contradiction is, or do know what a contradiction is and think that it’s still okay to have them in your argument…JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING…EVER!!!

Everyone, including my entire family, thinks that I'm dead...ROFL!

“Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) died Tuesday of brain cancer” is something that a liberal newspaper, website or radio station might have you believe. Popular website “Dead or Alive,” which keeps track of famous deaths, has, through no fault of its own, fallen for this liberal rouse and listed Ted Kennedy as deceased. The objective of this post is to convince you, the reader, that Sen. Ted Kennedy is not only alive and well, but also behind the Socialist conspiracy of the Obama administration and government run euthanasia.

Exhibit A: Where is the Original Death Cirtificate?

Exhibit B: Ted Kennedy is not a Citizen of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA)

Exhibit C: If Ted Kennedy is a member of the GUSA Senate, doesn’t that mean he’s dead?

Bill Clinton, Kim Jong Il and 18 million North Koreans

Former President Bill Clinton has secured the release of not only the two American journalists, but also the entire population of North Korea. According to sources within the White House, Clinton initially bonded with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il through a series of insults directed at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He then asked Kim Jong Il “please” and then “pretty please” to release the Americans. However, when Clinton added, “I’ll throw in a signed copy of Cher’s ‘Believe’ CD,” Kim Jong Il removed his ‘Elton John‘ replica sunshades and, with a look of utter awe in his tiny squinting eyes, released the entire oppressed population of his country over to Mr. Clinton.