Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

Personal Life

Family

Mmm…tastes like my foot!

"Une Hobo," a source either of the joy on our dim city streets and/or of my anal warts.

According to Wikipedia, a figure of speech is defined as “a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification.” As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won’t have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to their pathetic attempts at conversational improv. (Hint: When applicable, I will underline the figure of speech within each corresponding sentence, like so.)

Schemes:

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike

Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help androgynous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence

Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures — are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine feuled stupors?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another

Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Home, though for you it may actually be prison, nonetheless provides warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses

A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)

A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order

Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance

Hobos provide city streets with the most beautiful displays of public nudity, as well as unique personalities and outrageos drunkenness. And though their bat-shit hallucination-filled insanity knows no equal, their public urination and attempts to pass as stranded motorists in need of gasoline money are also priceslessly entertaining…though not AS entertaining as the drunken conversations with mailboxes, as mentioned earlier under “bad-shit hullucination-filled insanity“.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order

When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect

Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction

Dearest hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first

Hobos, those travelling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse

Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio’s note: That’s all for now, but don’t worry — part II of “Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos” will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)

The events of 9/11 were nothing short of tragic. On my favorite Soap Opera, General Hospital, Billy was just about to kiss his brother’s ex-husband’s ex-wife’s husband when ANNOYING NEWS COVERAGE interrupted my “regularly scheduled programming!” How rude of you, Osama Bin Laden…you ruined my day! 9/11 FAIL!

As you can clearly see in the above example, speaking of 9/11 as simly a trivial inconvenience is not only a dumbass thing to say, it’s also EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE! But fear not, morons. Below is a set of rules regarding proper 9/11 etiquette, along with well-publicised examples of these rules being broken (and their consequences). I hope my reader(s) will share with their friends and family to prevent these incidents of stupidity from happening again.

RULE #1: Do not speak of 9/11 as a tragedy because of how it affected YOU in a trivial manner! (see introductory paragraph)

Rule #2: Do not speak of the widows of the 9/11 terrorist attacks as “enjoying their husbands’ death.”

Sounds simple enough, right? Who would be stupid enough to belittle the loss that all of the 9/11 widows have suffered? Honestly, no one on EARTH could be that fucking stupid…right?

Obviously you haven’t heard of Ann Coulter, Conservative “columnist“/sensationalist shit-stirrer. However, she does live on a whole other planet, so you might have been correct to say “no one on EARTH could be that stupid.” Her insanity would take an entire post to cover…so if you desire to learn more about this psychopath with no standards, look no further than our analysis.

Rule #3: Don’t refer to the victims of 9/11 as Nazis

Again, this should go without saying. Yet former Professor Ward Churchill, formerly of the University of Colorado, decided to whimsically convey his disdain for American capitalism by calling the victims of 9/11 Nazis. In his “academic” essay, probably titled, “Fuck It, I’ll Never Get Tenure Anyway,” Churchill refers to the 9/11 victims as “little Eichmanns.” For those of you rusty in WWII history, “little Eichmanns” is NOT the German version of Disney’s “Little Einsteins”. Rather, he is referring to Adolf Eichmann, chief architect and mastermind of the Holocaust, a man arguably MORE EVIL than Hitler (as though Hitler wasn’t evil enough).

Now, I know you “Freedom of Speech” nuts out there would argue that the University infringed on his right to Free Speech by firing him. And you would be correct. However, a little-known fact about juries came back to haunt Churchill; mainly the fact that all juries in America are AMERICAN. And Americans don’t particularly like it when know-it-all professors call victims of a terrorist attack Nazis. Therefore, although he did win his lawsuit against the University of Colorado, the AMERICAN jury awarded him a whopping $1. This is about as close you can get to a jury saying “Not Guilty…but still an asshole.”

Rule #4: Do NOT Publicly Express Your 9/11 Conspiracy Theories (even though Bush did it)

Another Professor, this time in the heart of Anti-America (France), has decided to end his career in Academia on his own terms, this time by calling 9/11 an “American/Israeli Conspiracy.” Look, Aymeric Chauprade, if you think you can talk about other people talking about 9/11 conspiracy theories, in France, you’re dead wrong! If you lived in America, you could call them Nazis and win a WHOPPING $1 (which is like 1 billion Francs). You WISH you had our freedoms, our Statue of Liberty (which we AREN’T giving back) and our World Trade Cent…errral Park! Yea, I bet you wish you had our World Trade Central Park, too!

Rule 5: If You Are a Dumbass, Just Don’t Say ANYTHING About 9/11…EVER!!!

There are plenty of things that are funny in this world, and NONE of those things is 9/11!  If you still think that Osama Bin Laden is Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth father, you probably should shy away from hot-button issues, be it 9/11 or any of the following: Pearl Harbor; Homelessness; Fag-dragging; Jim Crow; Slavery; the air-speed velocity of an African swallow; religion; or pretty much anything for that matter. Basically, what I’m trying to say is…if you don’t know what a contradiction is, or do know what a contradiction is and think that it’s still okay to have them in your argument…JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING…EVER!!!

Everyone, including my entire family, thinks that I'm dead...ROFL!

“Sen. Ted Kennedy (D) died Tuesday of brain cancer” is something that a liberal newspaper, website or radio station might have you believe. Popular website “Dead or Alive,” which keeps track of famous deaths, has, through no fault of its own, fallen for this liberal rouse and listed Ted Kennedy as deceased. The objective of this post is to convince you, the reader, that Sen. Ted Kennedy is not only alive and well, but also behind the Socialist conspiracy of the Obama administration and government run euthanasia.

Exhibit A: Where is the Original Death Cirtificate?

Exhibit B: Ted Kennedy is not a Citizen of the Ghost-United States of America (GUSA)

Exhibit C: If Ted Kennedy is a member of the GUSA Senate, doesn’t that mean he’s dead?

And now

another asinine guest post by Static

“Must… Self administer… Defibrillator… & Buy Fax machine… Or time machine… ‘07 model… Get me some hot Hobo Chick action…”

William Shatner – Famous Hobo

What is “Hobo Chic” and how does it become “Accidental Sexiness”?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of “Hobo Chic”. Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

************next slide************

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo…a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I’ve had a stack of newspapers that I’m still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It’s okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn’t all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila…a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

“How do they do that?” they asked, “I have to have the look!”

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the “Hobo Chic” look.

Cruising’ for hobo chicks

So how does “Hobo Chic” become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren’t)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick hot…as long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

This:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

For a hobo, it’s love at first sight.

As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it’s easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men’s advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.

The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit MyBlogLog and get a signature like this!

A “day in the life” of Ann Coulter…scary.

Ann Coulter. Who or what is Ann Coulter, other than the first thing that comes to mind when you think of 9/11, dead babies and Nazis simultaneously? As a “Conservative” and “columnist“, Coulter continues to falsely depict ALL Republicans as angry, insane and illogical beings who use fear mongering, insults and baseless conspiracy theories to support their beliefs instead of providing reliable evidence (of which there is usually none). I understand that this may a lot of information to take in, so in the text below, I have translated this well thought out and properly cited analysis into a baseless, emotionally charged and metaphorical rant for you, my “Thinking Impaired” readers (i.e., average Americans).

No additional joke required; this is an actual book devoted to hating Ann Coulter…Awesome!

Washington D.C., USA - Ann Coulter’s vagina. That’s about the worst thing anyone could possibly imagine. Logically, then, 9/11, dead babies and Nazi’s should be at least somewhat related to Ann Coulter’s vagina, but could they be fundamentally linked? To the surprise of many, a recent gyneclolgical study has found that 9/11, dead babies, Nazis not only exist WITHIN Ann Coulter’s vagina, but may have in fact been CREATED there!

Scientists became interested in the “UnIntelligent Design” theory regarding the creation of 9/11, Nazis and dead babies after Ann Coulter submitted a series of deliberately absurd, offensive and callous contributions to American political debate.

Particularly intriguing was Coulter’s attack on widows of those killed in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, “I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much,” said Coulter, “How do we know their husbands werne’t planning to divorce these harpies?”

9/11 through the eyes of Ann Coulter

“The truth is, we don’t know,” said Head Researcher Gilbert Flagram, “but the catch 22 is that the husbands in question are dead, thereby impossible to interview. Though possible, there is not a single shred of evidence nor absolutely any reason whatsoever to believe that their marriages were anything less than healthy.” Flagram explained that to create such a random and baseless rumor about widows of the single most deadly terrorist act in U.S. history requires more than huge BALLS (which are themselves rumored to also exist within Coulter’s vagina). That’s when researches decided to test the theory of whether in fact “evil incarnate” was itself birthed through the wretched vaginal walls of Ann Coulter.



Actual “Vortex-of-Pure-Evil” discovered in the Nether-regions of Ann Coulter

Say goodbye to Youtube, Facebook and even Google because there is a new phenomenon taking the internet by storm: HoBlogging (i.e. hobo blogging). Yes, this is no typo; hobloggers do exist. Remember the hobo that always sits near a pile of garbage between Taco Bell and McDonalds? He has a blog. The naked Mexican whose best friend is a shopping cart filled with empty boxes of cigarettes? He’s got a blog too. It appears that even homeless people, the absolute lowest class in society, cannot abstain from writing about the mundane aspects of everyday life.

Most Recent Post: Interview with the GIANT SHIT I took on 7th ave. near FootLocker

What are they writing about? The best place in the city to grab a hamburger…half-eaten? The loudest nightclub…that you can hear from the alleyway? The nuances of local produce…found in a dumpster as compared to canned produce…found on the ground near the dumpster? Although little is known about the origins of HoBlogging, one can surmise that it began with the mystical union of a hobo, a computer and frequent complaints by library patrons regardeing a pungent odor…an odor itself ceated by the mustical union of urine, human fecal matter and used tampons (classic signs of a hobo blogger, or HoBlogger).

Artist’s rendering of a hobo-compatable computer. Powered by spare change.

This phenomenon first caught my attention during one of my frequent visits to lifelong rival NPR. The story (click here) told of the online adventures of Eric Sheptock (visit blog here), a part-time janitor and full-time hobo. He started a blog using the hobo-friendly facilities available in the Washington D.C. (i.e., hobo capital of the U.S., i.e. juxtoposition of imaginary U.S. wealth/freedom and real U.S. poverty/class warefare.). His blog focuses on educating the house-living home-ful public about very true and very disturbing facts about homelessness. Since I haven’t actually read it, however, I prefer to imagine that it provides helpful tips on topics such as: sign-drafting and design; loitering safety; and how to bathe in a public restroom.

“I don’t cleam, I’m not cleaM“

Look, hobos. Since you’re capable of blogging I am sure that you’re probably reading this (certainly no one with a life would!). I don’t hate the homeless. I feel your pain. I, too, know what it is like to wake up every morning in a different place covered with my own bodily fluids (LSD is a crazy drug!). I am forced to ask total strangers for change on a daily basis (though us house’d folk call them “tips”). I even dig through dumpsters and garbage cans for food (no witty remark this time…I just love eating garbage!). You may not like the fact that I am making light of your plight (that rhymes!), and it may be my one-way ticket to eternal damnation (forced to read hoblogs for ALL ETERNITY!), but if you can’t find humor in everything, anything can end up making you feel hopeless (deep man…real deep).

Oh, and did I mention they produce their very own hobo “tweets”, AKA “Tweets without Nests”? Below is a list of my favorite hobo-authored twitter activity (*note: not all tweets are by the same HoBlogger):

—————————————————————————————————————-

fist time eva using twitter…anybodey have spare change?

6:34 PM April 7th from the web

——————————————————————————————————————

found a half-full (or half-empty, depending on how you look at it) bottle of Coca Cola. Turns out it was filled with piss…MY piss.

7:14 AM April 7th from the web

——————————————————————————————————————

got a flat shopping-cart-tire today. Tride to steel new 1 from BestBuy but police sed noes.

11:45 AM March 12th from the new cardboard computer

—————————————————————————————————————-

Banker LFW (Looking for Work). Former employers: Enron, AIG, Lehman Bros. N33d $$$ to keep Yacht.

3:30 PM March 6th from my Yacht

—————————————————————————————————————-

find another half-full bottle of Coca Cola. Also filled with piss…probly same bottle as b4 =(

8:14 AM April 7th from the web

—————————————————————————————————————-

Above: Photo of Eric Sheptock, first of what we hope to be many “HoBloggers.” If you or anyone else are in the D.C. area and would like to provide him with assistance and/or use him in a satirical documentary on the financial disparities that exist in the USA, please e-mail him at ericsheptock@yahoo.com

And Yet Another Senseless Guest Post As If It Were Possible You Think Out Loud To Yourself by Static

Hey everyone. How the hell are ya? I wanted to address the list of offenses we (may) have created, especially with our last posts.

We..or I should say I (since Julio is insensitive to paraplegics, and everyone on the planet actually, including me).. I would like to offer an apology to anyone who is truly offended by our shock blogging, especially regarding the Para”OMFG”Olympics, and the Robot Chicken posts.

If you are paraplegic or quadraplegic. It is no laughing matter how you ended up as such, and nobody should make fun of that. I also offer my heartfelt sympathies for any Robot Chicken or Dharma ‘n Greg lovers out there.

However, it can be considered pretty funny if you are a Robot Chicken loving paraplegic, who fully understands the risks of being a Robot Chicken lover, and engaging in competitive sports that result in a pile-up of wheelchairs on the race track.

Would Christopher Reeves be offended by any of that? Probably not. He was a go-getter, and a head strong individual with a thick skin…or perhaps he was a weak spined individual with a thick skull, we haven’t made that determination yet. Chris Reeves says:
Stop yer whining!

Anyway…Do you think he would be offended by a picture of himself faced with having to enter a non-handicap accessible heaven? I think he would be pissing himself…with laughter (not just because he often pissed himself for lack of bladder control.)

I find that people who are easily offended are:
a.) Uptight people who have to find something to bemoan about, or they feel their lives have no purpose otherwise
b.) Uptight people who recently experienced that which is being made fun of
c.) Uptight people who know someone who is uptight with what is being made fun of
d.) Uptight people who are uptight about everything in general
e.) All of the above

So to you folks who are classified as anything contained above, you need to loosen up a bit. Here are some tips on how to accomplish this without embarrassment.

Loosening Up is Done by Letting Go
No, no. Don’t let yourself go. Let go! There is only one thing we need to control and that is our own reactions. And the way to control our reactions is to loosen up by letting go. This is but one subtle way of letting go. So get naked and run down the street, start talking to a stranger at the bus stop; ask them for the time – which will be hilarious, because well, y’know..YOU’RE NAKED! What do YOU need a watch or know the time for? Chances are, if you’re naked, you have nowhere to be except prison. After getting naked and asking some random person for the time, then slowly rip a really loud fart in front of a large group of people. Remember, letting go takes love.

Observing Through Self-Observation is Important
Loosen up pal. Go to the zoo. Hang out and watch the monkeys and apes for awhile. These are your direct relatives. Get in touch with them and get in touch with that side of yourself. Observe the monkeys observing you. They only wish to emulate you because you are pretty smart…for a monkey. While you’re at it. Go play with them, maybe the zookeepers will mistake you for one and lock you in with the monkeys removing you from “normal” society.

Loosening Up and Letting Go is Freedom (as covered above)
It is our own self-observation that is the key to this higher order of awareness. Self-observation allows us to understand. The silent observer that lives within does not think, it sees light of our new understanding. This higher freedom comes in direct proportion to what we are willing to learn about ourselves. The next time you decide to judge someone else’s stupidity..think of your own for a moment before you do. After an hour long narcissistic rage, you’ll remember that even you are not perfect..your chances at perfection are about 300 Billion:1 (only Julio and myself are that close to perfection). Just keep licking the mirror, you’ll eventually get it.

Have the Right Intention
Be a willing participant and look in the right direction. At first it will be humiliating to see and then admit that you only thought you were in the driver seat. The good news is we are never trapped by where we are. The trap is always who we are. To learn how to loosen up by letting go can help you to inwardly grow and the easier your whole life flows. That’s why you need to don a turban, and give a hand job to the first middle eastern man you see. As I said previously, letting go takes love. Lots and lots of it.

Want What Life Wants
It is not what life has brought you that you don’t want. It is your reactions that turn the gift of life into the resentment of it. It is your own ideas about life that have failed you. What happens when you want what you want? You become nervous and anxious because life may not cooperate with your plans. We were not made in our own image. When you want what life wants you are never disappointed with what happens. Even if life wants to take a huge dump on your chest, and then it does.

Letting Go of Regret
Do not look back at regret. Regret only ties you to the old life level that doesn’t know better and keeps you from the one that does. Let the fighting end. Don’t let the current of the past dictate the direction of the present. It is never right to feel wrong, no matter how right you think you are. And even if you’re right, you’re wrong (unless you are me or Julio.) So don’t regret the oh-so-wrong and stupid decision to get drunk one morning and tattoo a checkerboard on your face. Coz that’s one rad checkerboard..on yer ugly puss, dumbass!

So ya see, it’s really not that hard to let go and loosen up. Especially where shock blogging is concerned. It’s just so much easier to give a shit.

And if it’s too hard for you to do that, then you are just going to be disappointed by everything and have quite the uphill battle, moron. So good luck with that, you depraved flea-infested unfortunate occurrence of unprotected intercourse and heart-sickening sub-literate simpletons!

Oops..seems I need another lesson in letting go..so get over it. That’s right. I’m a dick, sometimes. Because there are moments where I just don’t care give a shit. Until next time pinheads.

You can find more about Letting Go and Static Being a Total Dick goddammit simply by f@#king visiting:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit MyBlogLog and get a signature like this!

Okay, lets just say your wife’s best friend is a paraplegic (i.e. cripple). One day, your wife’s friend invites you both to view the Paralympics, with the main event being the 5K women’s wheel-chair race. Everything is going fine…you’re even enjoying yourself and getting into the race. Then THIS happens: