Some homophobics claim that God created “Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve.” But what if they’re wrong, and “Adam and Steve” was God’s first attempt at human civilization?

What in the hell is hell? I’m not a christian or a religious person. However, IF I could define hell, I’d say that it would be having your car break down in rush hour traffic on the freeway, hundreds of people trapped behind you, cars and cars full of angry eyes, they honk their horns, give fingers and yell out their windows as they go around you.

The predicament makes you so frazzled you stop thinking straight and make a hasty decision to walk to a payphone because your cellphone is dead. Along the way to look for a payphone an SUV full of teenagers (who are obviously driving mommy’s car) chuck a milkshake on you and proceed to laugh and speed off splashing you with a huge puddle of water beside the road.

By the time you call for help and get back to your car, it’s been towed by the police because you essentially “abandoned” the vehicle without so much as leaving a note in the window (oops, won’t ever do that again.) So then you end up trying to hitch a ride, finally after flashing your hairy pasty white leg at a driver they pull over.

You get in the car and you enter the world of “creepy guy” who proceeds to hit on you in every way imaginable. After protesting his advances he goes psycho on you, and robs you at screwdriver point (that’s when someone holds a screwdriver to your jugular and starts making demands, thank the stars he isn’t demanding teh buttsecks.)

After being robbed and beaten about the head and neck with a screwdriver handle he dumps your half-conscious body near an underpass where a stray dog humps your leg and pees all over your head. This disgusts you but nevertheless rouses you from your concussion, and you then begin walking to the nearest payphone to call the police. But you realize you are in Crackville, have only spare change, and waiting for the cops to arrive in such a neighborhood isn’t such a good idea any way. So realizing you have some change, you instead look for the nearest bus stop to get the “hell” out of Dodge.

While waiting for the bus a homeless guy asks you for some spare change. You tell him you don’t have any but he doesn’t believe you. He gets angry and belligerent, he tells you that you are not a good christian, that the apocalypse is near and then he starts to throw feces on you. You run out into the street to escape the mad man and a bus nails you head on sending you airborne.

You land on a speeding car that veers out of control when the driver freaks out, and go crashing through the front window of a 7-11 breaking a gas main, the accident causes an explosion that nearly incinerates everything within 1,000 feet of it’s epicenter.

You then wake up in the hospital (since you aren’t dead yet) with 3rd degree burns over 95% of your body, in fact most of your flesh is gone and they have plans to do multiple skin grafts from the skin on your ass (the only place untouched by the explosion.) Months and months into the procedure a nurse one afternoon forgets to keep your life support plugged-in and you slowly slip into a coma.

You wake years later and don’t remember anything, everyone you knew gave up hope that you’d ever “return” and are no longer a part of your life to help refresh your memory, or hold your hand through this difficult time. An inexperienced by-the-book representative from a collections agency shows up upon hearing of your recovery and since the insurance ran out a few years ago, he/she orders that you pay the sum of $12 million dollars for your hospital stay or you’re out on the street.

That’s hell. Of course hell could also be allowing a guy like me to guest post on your blog.

Visit Krapsody.com to find out what kind of hell is in store for you!

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
Visit MyBlogLog and get a signature like this!

As you should already be aware, I have recently posted a blog entitled “Jesus, Dinosaurs and YOU!,” in which I parody the literal interpretation of the bible associated with those involved in the creation (no pun intended) of the Creationist Museum (located in Kentucky…surprise!? e.g. Kentucky Law #1:Dogs may not molest cars.) or what I like to call, the most entertaining thing EVER to come out of religion (more on this later). Anyway, the article concerned an aspiring pastor who is holding a fundraiser to put himself through Seminary school (insert_semen_joke_here), and how he offered to backlink anyone who posted a blog “discussing” this. Being the husband of a Christian, I have had much practice in the satire of religion, and it was time compile my ideas which were hidden inside a stack of empty bill envelopes (i.e. I threw the bills out and instead filled the envolopes with useless crap). Much to my surprise, the aspiring pastor (though I am still not sure exactly what a pastor does except for turning dinosaurs into glue) actually read the article and even followed through with the promised backlink! This affirms the following two things:

Now that I’ve mentioned his fundraiser, AGAIN, shouldn’t I logically be entitled to TWO backlinks? Or maybe one backlink that’s like, twice the size of the other ones?! Or four backlinks that are HALF the size of the rest…ah well, I’ll leave that decision between you and your maker (i.e. your mom and who you generally assume to be your dad). Anyway, I shall now continue my tirade against fundamentalist Christians who read the bible literally by conducting a further tirde against them as well as a tirde against pretty much every religion ever — And yes, I’m including every religious belief, from Greek mythology (e.g. Zeus and the mountain where all the gods engage in incestual/homosexual sex and every dude seemed to give birth to extremely hot goddesses...and then have sex with them immediately thereafter) to Christiani— (oh, we covered that one already…), to Hinduism (yes, fecal fetishes, 1,000 + sexual positions, etc.), and even Egyptian mythology (you know, mummification, burying yourself with not only all your possessions but also your living servants…[p4]). You know, all the “CRAZY” religions…

Its perfectly logical, you see. Jesus was homeless, so it only makes sense

for Santa to be homeless too! “Hobo Santa, I want a new bicycl—I mean,

uhm, some soup. Yea, I’d like some soup…damnit, here’s 20 bucks. And

don’t tell your friends the freeloading elves or that thieving reindeer

with the glowing nose.“

If only Santa had four arms…but I digress. You see, there is a reason why SOME sects of Christianity (mostly ones which read it literally) are infinitely bizzare and insane, and therefore hilarious. Here are just a few of them, just in time for the holidays:

I. Christmas

This day is recognized as the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ (and to show that Christians aren’t just a bunch of depressed emo sissies, they celebrate his death too! Any time is a good time for a party, I guess…even BRUTAL TORTURE! Hoooraay for torture!!!). You see, he was born to a virgin mother, and if that sounds contradictory, that’s because it is. Opponents might say that she was impregnated by God himself (the literal interpretation) yet, the logical conclusion from that involves God participating in hot, young virgin action with (if I read the book correctly) his own mother, Mary (if Jesus is God…and God is God..and the Holy Spirit is…uhm…Patric Swayze?).

Editor’s note: It seems that this blog is getting a little long, so instead I shall continue it next time with: Why (some) Christians are completely insane, Part I(1) I/II(and 1/2).

Okay, so here’s the scoop:

There’s this guy who wants to attend Seminary school to become a “pastor,” so he started an online funraiser. Given the context, as well as my lack of knowledge on religious matters, I will henceforth assume that “Seminary school” involves, at some point, the study of male reproductive fluids, and “pastor” referrs to some sort of combination betwen an adhesive paste (hence the root “past“) and canivorous dinosaurs (“Volosaraptor” supply the “or“) …PLUS something to do with the Christian religion. Logically, the outcome looks something like this:

Now I understand why Christians called their God an “Awesome God.”

Anyone who lives amongst the dinosaurs is NOT to be messed with!

Now, I understand that, thusfar, this blog entry must not only be offensive to the proespective dinosaur-glue producer, but to every single individual who regularly reads his blog. In fact, the chances that he will comply with his promise to “backlink” me on his site are next to none. However, I just googled the “Bible,” and a bunch of sites came up talking about “honesty” and “keeping a promise,” and “Shellfish is an abomination!” Since this is not pornography, but rather, a satirical spin on the extremes that exist within our society, I have faith that this future pastor will backlink my blog, no matter how painful it may be to read for anyone who accesses my blog from said link. In closing, here are a few important statistics:

-Chances of this guy actually reading this far into the blog: 3%

-Chances of anyone who comes here through the backlink will, after vomiting and experiencing EXTREME diarrhea, recommend the site, let alone re-visit it: 0.05%

-Chances that the wrath of God will fall upon me for my general disdain and lack of understanding of religion: 100% for Catholics, 0% for Athiests and [some percentage between 0 and 100...and stop asking me, will ya? Seriously, leave me alone or I will call the Police] for Agnostics.

You’d have to see it to believe it. That damned “liberal media” has tried to supress this article from the well-known Conservative magazine “Time” which purports an argument, supported by evidence (how dare they!), that Pope John Paul II did not die of natural causes. Rather, the article claims, Paul II was part of an assisted suicide (or as the Italian medical professor interviewed in the article calls it, “Euthanized”) where he is reported to have refused a feeding tube, a request which his doctors dutifully complied. Basically, if Terry Shiavo’s brain was more than just a bowl of goop surrounding a brain stem, and she could do basic human activities such as speak, recognize family members and have power of attorney over herself (because she would be mentally capable of self-representation in court)…well, if this new, not-brain-dead Shiavo were in the Vatican during the whole 2005 fiasco, they would have killed her anyway. Don’t you love contradictions? I sure do, especially when they pertain to the method of the contradictor’s demise, such as when someone like Pope John Paul II condems euthanasia and assisted suicide as being equivalent to genocide…and then, on his death bed, asks his own doctors for euthanasia and assisted suicide.