Some homophobics claim that God created “Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve.” But what if they’re wrong, and “Adam and Steve” was God’s first attempt at human civilization?

A hobo, a chef, and an unlikely story. A murder plot hinges on the moral fortitude of Santa Monica’s homeless. A celebrity chef offers cash and food. Which will prevail: hobo hunger or hobo heroism?

Hobos Refuse Money for Murder, Turns in Chef to Police

Hobo heroism, of course. According to CBS news, “Investigators say the celebrity chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz, allegedly scouted Santa Monica, hoping to find a hit man among the homeless. The plan backfired when the homeless men tipped off police.” Bravo hobos, bravo. These “Hobo Semaratins” are the epitome of the hobo-God, Jesus, and his teachings. “Never kill a prostitute,” Jesus once said, “unless you’re a hobo…for he who is without a home may cast the first stone.”

It should be, then, no surprise that hobos came to the rescue. Hobos among us are the wisest and sturdiest of citizens. They live day in and day out without a “home,” i.e., a place which we home-dwellers use to shield us from the elements and shield our wives from our meth-lab in the basement. Yet it is a surprise to most of us. Below I will discuss the reasons why hobo heroism is so unexpected.

Hobo Heroism: When a hobo becomes a hero-bo

“Gossip website TMZ.com is reporting the intended target was Cruz’s wife Jennifer Campbell. Police confirm there are three men who claim they were offered $1,000 cash to slit a woman’s throat.” Murder for $,1000 cash is quite a large sum of money for a hobo with nothing to lose. However, opponents to this view will try to pin the chef’s arrest on his being a cheap-skate. I believe the case is much stronger in support of Hobo Bravery (herein known as “HoBravery”) and Hobo Honesty (herein known as “HoBonesty).

The Hobo-God, Jesus, tell us the story of the Hobo Samaratin

Just imagine, for a second, why this is an unbelievable scenario. What is the most defining quality of a hobo’s suffering? Hunger. What is the most defining quality of a chef’s abilities? Making food. How, then, does it come about that a hungry hobo denies the request of a gourmet chef? The allure of even a single meal might convince a normal man to commit murder if he is on the brink of starvation. But a hobo…no, not just a single hobo, but the entire hobo society of Santa Monica, defied the allure of perhaps years of satisfying meals and stable housing that a celebrity chef could provide.

And what makes this story so unbelievable is precisely what was his downfall. Namely, the false perception that the homeless will do ANYTHING for money (or food, or beer, or a naked lady) no matter how self-abasing or morally corrupt. What gives us the right to judge a man’s character simply by his poverty? If he cuts, does he not scream for hours until he is tazed by police? If he takes a dump on the street, does he not give it a name and carry it around in a paper bag? Hobos are human, believe it or not. They may be mostly crazy, delusional and potentially rabid, but they are still people. However, no amount of mental illness or troubling economic times will undermine the hobo spirit. I believe that, if all of us are at some point in our lives forced to have unprotected gay sex in a dumpster for bus fare, we would all be as morally sound as the hobos of Santa Monica.

Epilogue

below: Douchebag who will soon learn how to stuff “prison sausage.”

So, a wealthy, home-dwelling TV show host attempts to kill his wife. This amounts to attempted 1st degree murder, where this is distinguished from 1st degree murder, which carries the death penalty, by the simple fact that hobo heroes intervened and brought his plan to failure. What, then, will be the penalty of this heinous crime? A MAXIMUM OF “9 years in prison.” 9 years. For attempted 1st degree murder. And the disparity does not end there. The failed  attempt by a wealthy individual to pay for murder gets 9 years; however, the failed attempt by a hobo (or anyone) to go through with that murder carries a maximum life sentence.

This is yet another example of how the divide between the rich and poor is not just economic. It is also deeply ingrained in our justice system. Another example is the racial and economic disparity between crack and cocaine jail sentences, “It takes 100 times more powdered cocaine than crack cocaine to trigger the same harsh mandatory minimum sentences.” The final, and most damning, example of this disparity is the criminalization of public defecation. Matthew Sodoma, 21, who has a very apt name for this situation, is currently “being held on charges of defecating on a public sidewalk or building and…criminal mischief” simply for defecating on the sidewalk in front of a substance abuse clinic. We are in solidarity with Matthew Sodomy.

Matthew, seen here, takes crap from public for public crap.

But there is still hope. The “Matthew Sodomy Legal Fund” has recently been founded for the acquittal of Matthew Sodomy with the overall goal of decriminalizing public defecation.

Trending stories about hobos and murder:

The Onion ; New Film About Hobos;

Early Life and Political Career

First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944

Second Presidential Campaign, 2008

“FINISH HIM!” or, “Enter the Obama”

Personal Life

Family

Mmm…tastes like my foot!

Killing a cat is quite easy, even for a child (I killed my first cat in-utero!). But once task is complete, i.e., once the proverbial cat is killed, what then is left for man to do? Do you roast over an open flame? Obviously you should inject it with barbecue sauce, but should this be done pre- or post-mortem? For all these answers and more, read on!

100 Ways to Grill a lolCat

Way 100: Giant Super Cat

The first step to grilling a cat is to choose exactly which cat it is you’re going to grill. My first suggestion is a rather simple recipe. Just breed or bio-engineer a giant super-cat capable of killing a lion in a single bite. Then eat that lion. Then cut off the super-cat’s head and take a photo. Oh, and don’t forget the grillin’ sauce!!!

Way 85: Chinese Cat Market

Get your fresh cat meat here! Freeeesh cat meat

In America, “cruelty to animals” only refers to small, cuddly house-mammals; in China, however, anything that moves (especially baby girls!) is on the menu! The Chinese are a polite peoples, and will happily de-fur, skin, torture and finally kill the cat of your choice. Also, if you buy 5 cats, you get baby girl FREE!

Way 70: Blowtorch

China's great...you don't even need Photoshop! They really do this shit!

After injecting your cat-of-choice with your sauce-of-choice, don’t forget to cook it with your hand-held blow-torch of choice. A simple butane flame will work fine, but for a quick cook, I would suggest a military-grade flame-thrower.

Way 50: Cat-Burger

Cute...and delicious!

God only knows what’s inside of a hamburger (Chinese baby girls?). Why  not eat the devil you know instead of the devil you don’t with CAT-BURGERS! You can eat them live (as seen above) or dead, have them minced or grounded, deep fried or boiled in cheese.

That’s it for today folks. For more ways to kill and subsequently eat a lolCat, tune in for the next installment. Or just use your imagination…who am I kidding. I’ll get you more dead cats by Tuesday!

Pat Robertson: The Man

As we all know, ever since God accidentally created Pat Robertson from a mutated fragment of Hitler’s DNA, Liberals have been a bigger scapegoat for all society’s woes than the Jews, 9/11 and violent video-games put together. But this idea is anything but original, as this Conservative axiom of “Just blame it on the Liberals” has gone unchanged throughout human history. Whether it be when the Liberal Jews decided to follow Jesus, thereby forcing the Conservative Jews to kill him in order to “conserve” their corrupt power structure. Or when the Liberal Jews in 1930’s Germany decided to own successful businesses, thereby forcing the Conservative White Anglo-Saxon Protestants to “conserve” their awful business philosophies by committing genocide. Or when the Liberals of the USA promoted gay rights, thereby forcing God to arrange 70 virgins for each of the 9/11 hijackers. Or when the Western Liberals of the late 1800’s ended the slave trade, thereby creating a pact with the devil, thereby causing the Haitian revolution, thereby forcing Satan to cause the 7.0 magnitude Earthquake that killed over 150,000 Haitian civilians.

You see, in Pat Robertson’s world, and the ignorant wackjobs who provide him with a forum to create that world, the Liberals are to blame for all the world’s problems. It is the conservatives, rather, who solve those problems by doing nothing. For you see, nothing can really be a problem if you resign yourself to hopelessness and decide that all problems are unsolvable.

Pat Robertson: The Bullshit

Bullshit was invented by “Dr.” (Ph.D in Bullshit) Pat Robertson, circa 33 B.C. (or as the ATHEISTS/LIBERALS say, B.C.E.). The height of this achievement, however, did not occur until early 2010, when Pat “horse manure” Robertson stated as fact that Haiti was “cursed” after a “pact with the devil.” Unfortunately for Mr. Robertson, this is somewhat based in fact, but not in the way that he thinks. You see, the myth of the Haitian pact with the devil was originally crafted by the Haitians themselves, and used as a weapon against their enslavers. During the Haitian revolution, Haitian general (a black general…IMPOSSIBLE!) Toussaint L’Ouverture used the ignorant superstitions of the Europeans (regarding African black-magic) as a weapon against Haiti’s oppressors.

You see, prior to Toussaint, a leader of a major slave uprising named Francois Mackandal used an especially painful poison to assassinate enemy generals and afterwards openly claimed to have been using “black magic” to cause those deaths. The fear spread by these superstitions aided in reducing the morale of French troops. This increase in fear led to frequent retreats by French forces during battle, and also reduced French support for the war effort. You see, Mr. Robertson is not CRAZY…no, it is the cunning intellect of 17th century Haitians that serves to prove that Pat Robertson is STUPID. He’s an ignorant, superstitious egomaniac, much like the French slave owners in Haiti over 200 years ago. Pat Robertson is just the kind of racist idiot that the “black magic” myth was intended to fool.

Pat Robertson: Just Blame it on the Liberals

Recently revealed on www.krapsody.com is a list of persons, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to “Acts of God.” Below, we here at Project Julio will provide a list of person’s, places and things that Pat Robertson attributes to “Acts of Liberals.” Oh, and if you’re looking instead for a “Pat Robertson Bullshit Generator,” just follow this simple formula: “Problem X” is/was caused by “Liberal Group Y” because of “Liberal Action Z”. Example: 9/11 (x) was caused by Homosexuals (y) because of Double-fisted anal/penile penetration (z)

Project Julio Presents: The Official 2010 Pat Robertson “Acts of Liberals“:

*The Making, and epic failure of, Kevin Costner’s film “Waterworld”
*Itchy Wool Sweaters
*9/11: see above example for details
*Kevin Costner
*The hole in the Ozone Layer: because liberals starved the Ozone Layer of its precious CFC’s.
*Oxycontin: the only drug that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Rush Limbaugh
*Earthquake in Haiti: due to the terrible events known as the “Abolition of Slavery”
* Pedophilia: the only affliction that could have tainted the otherwise perfect Republican Congressman Mark Foley
*The Civil Rights act of 1964: “since when did MONKEY’S have the right to vote?!”
*Hurricane Katrina: again, double-fisted anal/penile penetration
*Reality: for having an “inherently liberal bias” – Stephen Colbert
and finally…
*The View: double-fisted anal/penile penetration…AGAIN

Nice try Mr. “first-black President.” I know they don’t call you Lincoln-esque for nothing. Abraham Lincoln, after the end of the Civil War, declared that all slaves will receive “40-acres and a mule.” Nowadays, I would imagine “40-acres” to be equivalent to a government-owned 800 sq/ft apartment, and “a mule” to be a Ford Mustang. Unfortunately, being that many black people already have both of these, a suitable replacement has already been created. An $819 Billion “Stimulus” Package is actually a disguise for an $819 Billion “Reparations” Package!

With 34,996,643 black people living in the United States, that equals to about $23,000 per person. That’s $23,000 CASH-MONEY. Enough to either lift them out of poverty by providing them with enough capital to start their own business and go to college OR to spend it on really REALLY expensive shoes, jewelry and RIMMMMS!!!

(RIMS: Being poor and uneducated never looked so good!)

But don’t take it from me. The lower-middle class white Republicans @ the Red Stick Republican’s Rantings blog sum it up in the clearly veiled classism/subconscious racism that we have come to expect from lower-middle class white Republicans, “We are encouraging citizens to no longer appreciate the moral capacity to understand hard work and sacrifice…and encouraging welfare.” I believe it’s called the “Red Stick Republican’s” blog because, on weekends, he sets aflame two intersecting sticks in front of the lawn of an interracial couple and basks in the red glow of the racist flame.

(the "Red Stick Republican" family picknick)

But don’t take it from me (I’m just a hobo for Christ’s, the king of all hobos, sake). Take it from Conservatives themselves, who would ‘never’ change their “core” issues depending on how damaging it could be to the opposition. For instance, Welfare, which used to be a major issue that propelled the Republican party to popularity in the late 80’s, is just as big of an issue today as it was 20 years ago. But when the Democrats suddenly decided to reduce Welfare dependence and end poverty with such programs as “Welfare to Work,” the Republicans realized that they were far too dependent on this once divisive issue between Right and Left. Some even decided to rally against such programs for fear that and end to the Welfare system and black-poverty might endanger their political careers. Due to the Democrats’ commitment to Welfare reform programs, most of which expired in 2004, talk of Welfare as the biggest threat to our nation is restricted to hillbillies aged 65 and over who still think Clinton is President.

Why? Not because the problem was ever really solved, or that Welfare ever was a real problem in the first place (the Welfare program has cost under 1% of the national budget since it’s inception), or that Ronald Reagan handed out cigarettes to children. No…welfare was a divisive issue because it was a divisive issue rooted in philosophical differences including: fairness and equality of the Left; and the work and responsibility on the Right. It never mattered whether it actually aided in either of these ideals. It only mattered that it could turn out votes and distract us from real, greater social injustices. Like reality T.V.

Nothing says "Christmas" quite like Ronald Reagan sending you a carton of unfiltered cigarettes!

Temporary manual labor, once thought to be the most secure form of employment, has decreased by 11% this year, according to a report released by the Hiring Occupation Business Observer (HOBO). The report goes on to suggest that this 11% decreased in reported unemployment has trickled over into an 11% increase in unreported back-alley sex labor, including but not limited to:

sexual massage; genital stomping; semen ingestion; double-fisted anal penetration; rabbit stuffing (anally); semen ingestion (anally); single-fisted anal penetration; watching the 1st season of “House” on DVD (anally); bringing coupons to a grocery store only to find out that they expired the day before…followed by triple-fisted anal/penile penetration; watching Taylor Swift host SNL (not inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); and sock-puppet theater (inside someone’s ass).

(Subliminal "Goatse", a common hobo back-alley trick

Temporary manual labor, however, has consistently been a safety net for the unemployed, divorced, homeless or otherwise socially unbound individual. For instance, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8 1894, it was declared that “Always try to find work, even if it is temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but insure employment should you return to that town again.” However, during the Annual Convention Congress of the Hoboes of America, held on August 8, 2009, it was declared “Does anybody have any spare change? Wait, of course no one does, we’re all hobos…Anyway, as I was saying. Always try to find work, even if it’s temporary, and even if it’s “Things I do in a back-ally to buy alcohol, including but not limited to:

sexual foot-massage; genital mutilation; conducting model trains while not wearing shirts (with mutual touching); quadruple-fisted anal/penile penetration; baby stomping; watching an entire season of “How I Met Your Mother” (which isn’t inherently sexual, just self-degrading, which some people get-off on); reading Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue” (which is both inherently sexual AND self-degrading); biting the head off of a squirrel; and stamp-collecting (inside someone’s ass).”

Reverse-goatse, a less-subtle back-alley hobo trick

This obvious shift in hobo-attitude over the past century cannot only be blamed on the hobos themselves. Once the pioneers of entrepreneurship and freedom, hobos have become imprisoned by their poverty instead of being empowered by their freedom. According to the HOBO report, this shift in hobo philosophy can be traced back to the Great Depression, where the population of hobos quadrupled, thereby flooding the hobo job market. This led to a dilution of the once proud hobo culture, and ushered in the redefinition of “odd job” from “occasional job” to “occasional job of what I believe to be of a sexual nature but I’m not sure because there is nothing inherently sexual about pooping in a fish-bowl.”

Though the Great Depression eventually ended, the deterioration of the hobo culture did not. Still to this day, finding work as a hobo is harder than ever. Misleading and ironic businesses, such as HOBO (Home Owners Bargain Outlet), Hobo Internet, and the Hungry Hobo (restaurant), further mock the plight of the traveling tramp who’s simply down on his luck. Trashcans now come equipped with hobo-proof lids. People no longer throw their trash on the side of the road, and it’s now illegal to throw away plastic bottles. With all these classic hobo jobs now obsolete, where else can a hobo go to make a quick buck, other than a back-alley?

New era of hobo-businessmen

On September 30, 2009, the US Senate, which is currently/supposedly “controlled” by the Democratic party, “voted against a proposal to put a government administered ‘public option’ in the health reform bill that will come out of the Senate Finance Committee” (www.intershame.com). For those too lazy to follow the link, here are the names of 5 Senators who betrayed the Democratic party, accompanied with links from the “contact me” section of their official websites: Max Baucus (D-Mont), Kent Conrad (D-ND), Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark), Bill Nelson (D-Fla) and Tom Carper (D-Del).

Update: The ASS Party

According to NPR, “Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid began private meetings Wednesday with fellow Democrats and the White House to merge his chamber’s two health care overhaul bills into a single plan that could win a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate.” This means that, despite Baucus’s and other Democrats’ epic backstabbing, Majority Leader Harry Reid rode (or flew, rather) in on his magic dragon and busted a cap into the ass of his party, herein known as the “Ass Party.”

But the battle ain’t over yet, nor has the obese woman screeched. We still need to make sure the 5 Democrats mentioned earlier make the filibusterer-proof majority a reality and not just a novel notion. Myself a hobo and avid doodoo sculpter, I am somewhat of a skeptic of their success. But homeless or not, I will stand by my party…until they fail, until which I’ll run as a 3-rd party candidate under my very own just-now-created “Hobo Party,” the requirements of which require the lack of permanent housing, no more than 2 sets of clothing or at least 3 scars acquired during scuffles over discarded food (most Americans now qualify).

On October 9th, 2009, President Barak Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.  He was nominated for this, one of the most esteemed awards a human being can win (up there with the Daytime Emmy, Latin Grammy, and the fabled MTV Music Award), just 11 days after having been sworn in as President.

The reason is quite painfully obvious.  The Nobel Peace Prize is a front for something far more sinister.  But first a brief history lesson.

Alfred Nobel founded the Nobel Peace Prize in his last will and testimate, to be awarded to people who have made great discoveries in specific scientific fields or written a great work of idealic literature.  But who was Alfred Nobel?  Nobel may best be known for his founding of the Peace Prize, but the man himself was actually an inventor.

Nobel found that combining nytroglycerine with certain other compounds stabilized it into a more usuable substance.  What substance?  Dynamite and Gelignite (better known as blasting gelatin).  Alfred Nobel stabalized one of the destructive chemical compounds known to man, allowing it to be used more safely to destroy things more easily, then set up a “Peace” Prize for “great works“.

The most esteemed “Peace” prize is to be awarded to “the person or society that renders the greatest service to the cause of international fraternity, in the suppression or reduction of standing armies, or in the establishment or furtherance of peace congresses.” (-Wikipedia)

President Obama clearly demonstrates his “reduction of standing armies” when he has, so far, done nothing to reduce troop deployment in Iraq or Afghanistan.  Will this trend lead to giving awards for good intentions and best laid plans.  Will next year’s Oscar’s be based on planned movies?

With this in mind, we here at Project Julio would like to submit the following movie for consideration in the 2010 Academy Awards:

A Hobo’s Struggle. Starring George Clooney, Oprah Winfrey, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, with Catherine Zeta Jones, Neil Patrick Harris and, back from the dead, Mahatma Gandhi.  Steven Spielberg will be directing, with Michael Bay in charge of the giant robot battle sequences.  This film promises to bring tears of joy, tears of happiness, intense alien battles, and visual effects unlike anything ever witnessed, ever.  All mixed in with scenes leading to awkward erections, and weeping children.  Our organization will be spending upward of 200 trillion dollars on the film, that is expected to be at least 43 hours long, with a special directors cut featuring over 100,000 hours of real hobo interviews.

Also, those of us here at Project Julio would like to appologize in advance for being unable to attend the academy awards, and would like our awards mailed to us.  Thank you in advance.

-Jorge

Irony: the reigning King of Komedy!

Today’s exploration of the “Figures of Speech” will make-up the content of a continuous story involving myself, a colony of hobos and quite possibly extra-terrestrial life. Therefore, read each sentence in sequence, as a story of TRIVIAL SIGNIFICANCE will be revealed!

• asyndeton: Omission of conjunctions between related clauses

Julio Grumbles discovered a 1,000 year-old tent city which was built by hobos, for hobos , with hobos. That’s right; they used the older, weaker hobos as mortar, as brick, as accent walls…

Little did Julio know that, upon his discovery, he would become such a resident, a resident of a land without homes…just tents. Tents made out of homeless people.

• classification (literature & grammar): linking a proper noun and a common noun with an article

It all began, 1,000 years ago, when Frederique the blind hobo, Linda the deaf crack-whore and Upgreyedd the crippled pimp sat around a burning cauldron filled with animal feces.

Though these three street-dwellers had never met, this chance meeting, unbeknownst to them, would change the fate of the Earth, and of Project Julio, forever…

• chiasmus: The word order in one clause is inverted in the other (inverted parallelism).

Soon men of all classes and faiths came to visit their encampment. They looked with the blind hobo, listened with the deaf hobo, and with the crippled hobo, they danced.

• climax: The arrangement of words or sentences in order of increasing importance

Soon, however, unemployment hit all three major cities surrounding the three wise-men, and what was just a humble camp turned into a town, and then into a city, then back into a camp, and finally, and most importantly, it became what it remains to this day: a city of hobos.

• consonance: The repetition of consonant sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse

The deranged ordeal started on a dark and desolate dirt-road when my 1987 Dodge-Durango ran out of diesel.

• ellipsis: Omission of words

To make matters worse, my cell phone ran out of battery-life, as did my GPS, my HPS (hobo positioning system) and my butt-plug (travel edition ®).

• enallage: The substitution of forms that are grammatically different, but have the same meaning (e.g. isolated use of incorrect grammar; abrupt change in grammatical person; abrupt change in quantitative pronouns)

I was afraid, but determining, when I, Julio, finally exited the car. Then, out of the darknesses, a crafty hobo appeared to me in a flash of bright light! This hobos then shouts to a nearby broken street-lamp, “BOYS…I’VE DONE GOT US’S ANTOHER ONES!”

• enjambment: A breaking of a syntactic unit (a phrase, clause, or sentence) by the end of a line or between two (or more) verses.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by hobos, hobos

who began probing me with their warm,  throbbing rods

(that pierced my

darkness with an eerie glow). These rods, I

later learned, would be repeatedly inserted into

a bright, radioactive dust created by Nuclear-bomb

test which had taken place in the area during the War of 1812

reenactment which occurred sometime during the early 1960’s.

Just then, as Julio realized that he was about to be anally raped by a group of alien hobos wielding removable, glowing penises, something happened…a tiny glowing man, no more than 3 feet tall, walked up to Julio, took his hand, and in it he placed $3.50 in quarters. “E.T. Phone Home,” he said.

• enthymeme: Informal method of presenting a syllogism

“What luck!,” I thought,  as I contemplated my fate. If a hobo, alien or not, gives someone else money, they MUST want something in return…so instead of being RAPED anally by alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises, I’m instead going to be PAID to have consensually anal sex with alien hobos wielding removable glowing penises. Fan-fucking-tabulous!

• epanalepsis: Repetition of the initial word or words of a clause or sentence at the end of the clause or sentence.

I should intervene and let my readers know that I’m okay and unaharmed. My anus, luckily for me, and luckily for my anus, was spared that day. The name of the game was not “shove glowing rods into this guy’s anus.” The integrity of my anus, and all that my anal virginity represents to the integrity of my anus, remained intact.

• epistrophe: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the end of successive clauses. The counterpart of anaphora (also known as antistrophe)

Regardless, this was truly an “Encounter of the Third Kind,” where “the third kind” is defined as “anal rape” and “encounter” is defined as “being surrounded by hobo aliens” and “truly” is defined as “letters I wrote to my attorney in order strengthen my ‘psychological instability’ defense during my first murder trial.”

*Julio’s Note* To be continued…but don’t be homo(cidal)!!! In the next segment, the story continues as we discover what exactly the glowing midget meant when he said “E.T. Phone Home” and why exactly aliens would (or wouldn’t) live in an ancient, 2,000 year old hobo village!