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Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos Part I

Julio — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 23:20:00 +0000

"Une Hobo," a source either of the joy on our dim city streets and/or of my anal warts.

According to Wikipedia, a figure of speech is defined as “a use of a word that diverges from its normal meaning, or a phrase with a specialized meaning not based on the literal meaning of the words in it such as a metaphor, simile, or personification.” As you can cleary see in the list below, there are nearly 100 such twists of language, and believe it or not, these are the building blocks of humor as we know it. They are broken up into two categories: Schemes and Tropes. For the sake of entertainment, I will demonstate each of these with the focus being on hobos.

The overall goal of this project is to increase public awareness that comedy is in fact an art form. Perhaps if they themselves can produce and understand comedic material, comedians such as ourselves won’t have to watch cliched sit-coms or listen to their pathetic attempts at conversational improv. (Hint: When applicable, I will underline the figure of speech within each corresponding sentence, like so.)

Schemes:

§ alliteration: A series of words that begin with the same letter or sound alike

Hidden hobos housed in huts hurriedly hustle to help androgynous homosexuals hide their HIV.

§ anacoluthon: A change in the syntax within a sentence

Hobos, though filthy and dumb creatures — are they not of much amusement to us in their drunken and/or crack-cocaine feuled stupors?

§ anadiplosis: Repetition of a word at the end of a clause at the beginning of another

Homelessness leads to desperation, desperation leads to crime and crime leads back to home. Home, though for you it may actually be prison, nonetheless provides warmth and sustenance whereas sidewalks do not.

§ anaphora: The repetition of the same word or group of words at the beginning of successive clauses

A hobo might smell (badly)
A hobo might light (a cigarette)
A hobo might smell (another hobo)
A hobo might fight (another hobo)
A hobo might sleep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might write (on a cardboard box)
A hobo might weep (on the sidewalk)
A hobo might right (the wrongs)

A hobo might, tonight,
sleep upright.

§ anastrophe: Inversion of the usual word order

Yoda: Smells of urine, hobos do.

§ anticlimax: the arrangement of words in order of decreasing importance

Hobos provide city streets with the most beautiful displays of public nudity, as well as unique personalities and outrageos drunkenness. And though their bat-shit hallucination-filled insanity knows no equal, their public urination and attempts to pass as stranded motorists in need of gasoline money are also priceslessly entertaining…though not AS entertaining as the drunken conversations with mailboxes, as mentioned earlier under “bad-shit hullucination-filled insanity“.

§ antimetabole: Repetition of words in successive clauses, in reverse order

When a hobo bites, and then defecates upon, a man, that is not news; however, when a man bites, and then defecates upon, a hobo, that IS news.

§ antithesis: The juxtaposition of opposing or contrasting ideas

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aphorismus: statement that calls into question the definition of a word

If the homeless are hobos, does that make homeowners homos?

§ aposiopesis: Breaking off or pausing speech for dramatic or emotional effect

Is he doing what I think he’s…yup. That hobo just peed on the cure to Cancer.

§ apostrophe: Directing the attention away from the audience and to a personified abstraction

Dearest hobos! I would, were you not untrustworthy carriers of disease, happily invite you into my home and listen to your eccentric stories of sporadic travel and street dwelling!

§ apposition: The placing of two elements side by side, in which the second defines the first

Hobos, those travelling salesmen of charity, provide a positive boost of self-esteem to all those (of higher status) that they encounter!

§ assonance: The repetition of vowel sounds, most commonly within a short passage of verse

Old, ordinary hobos obtain kudos from over-obsessed observers and enthusiasts of the obsolescent pastime of hobo-ing.

*Julio’s note: That’s all for now, but don’t worry — part II of “Figures of Speech as Inspired by Hobos” will continue tomorrow! (to view the entire list of Figures of Speech, click here)

“Hobo Chic” and “Accidental Sexiness”

Static — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:22:00 +0000

And now

another asinine guest post by Static

“Must… Self administer… Defibrillator… & Buy Fax machine… Or time machine… ‘07 model… Get me some hot Hobo Chick action…”

William Shatner – Famous Hobo

What is “Hobo Chic” and how does it become “Accidental Sexiness”?

Now most of you are thinking that I am talking about the trendy fashion craze of “Hobo Chic”. Made popular by such celebrities as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. No, in fact they stole the fashion idea from hobos.

************next slide************

When Mary Kate and Ashley were twelve, they lost their mother in a freak accident. After a three day steady diet of Fen-phen and crack cocaine, their mother took to the streets to support her growing habit. Hooking for $5, scrounging for change, and fighting for every last scrap of crack, she eventually lost her mind (on day 4) and became the female version of a hobo…a bag lady.

The newspaper said she hopped a train and froze to death in a boxcar full of Tyson chicken nuggets bound for Wisconsin. The Land of Cheese. Which is just where she belonged.

I read the article at breakfast..just the other day. I’ve had a stack of newspapers that I’m still whittling through after all these years. As you can imagine I was quite astonished when I read this developing news.

The article said that she dropped the kids at Hollywood child actor school, then jumped the 9:30 Burlington Northern. By the time they unloaded in Jefferson, she was covered in freezer burn.

According to legend, she ate her kid’s afterbirth. It’s okay. It’s natural. Animals do it. And well frankly, I don’t care what the animal kingdom consumes. They also don’t mind eating their own feces.

But this is quite possibly why she went absolutely bat fuck insane and ended up the way she did. But getting in an boxcar and traveling like a hobo, or being the same woman who wore her bathrobe to the grocery store isn’t all she should be remembered for..okay, it is all I can think of right now. Let’s not paint her a pillar of society.

Anyway, Mary Kate and Ashley paid homage to their late mother by wearing some of her clothing, or swiping some old tattered mismatched threads at a local thrift store, and voila…a new fashion trend was born! All the slinky skanks in Hollyweird were gaga crazy over this new look.

“How do they do that?” they asked, “I have to have the look!”

Similar clothing was often taken stolen right off the backs of unfortunate hobos and bag ladies, still reeking with the fresh smell of urine. But most of these budding starlets were usually too stoned to follow a topic much less care they smelled of hobo piss for longer than it took to roll a joint, cut a line, or cook some junk.

Some blockbuster movies such as Terminator, play up the glamorous image of being a murderous transient, getting wasted and picking up bag ladies, and finding clothing that is vaguely reminiscent of the “Hobo Chic” look.

Cruising’ for hobo chicks

So how does “Hobo Chic” become accidentally sexy (as in the Olsen twins aren’t)?

Because every inebriated horny guy in America and abroad, after consuming mass quantities of alcohol, crack cocaine, and heroin would find any chick hot…as long as he is under the influence of beer goggles..crack cocaine, and heroin.

This:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

And this:

Becomes this:

For a hobo, it’s love at first sight.

As you can see, from the pics above, these visions of beauty would cause any drunk and/or stoned male (or hobo male alike) to chase her down, pin her to a stationary item, and mount her.

Bent in flexion over the kitchen counter, half sprawled on a creaking entryway church pew, and even smashed against the Country Squire in a driveway while the carpool kids pressed their faces anxiously against the steamy glass.

These women will confess that it’s easier to put up with the poking, though often they feel like a mattress with a hole in it. Perhaps this is how you were conceived, most of us were too. Welcome to the real world!

After years of sexual incarceration, as women eventually refer to their sexual escapades and their marriages, they develop a sort of ‘binge and purge’ mentality.

They become violently ill, retching until their cheeks lose their glow. They became aware that drunk men are quite content following them into the bathroom and holding their hair back while the women lift the toilet seat. So long as they can get a piece in there too.

Since nothing short of death seem to repel men’s advances, women take matters into their own hands. This is why we have bag ladies. But they too become accidentally sexy when in the company of alcoholics and hobos. And then we have armies of rugrats, who proceed to procreate in the same manner.

And this of course is how the HoBlogger is born.

The End. Literally, because even hobos need it too. NSFW.

*Julio’s Note* …and if you haven’t figured out by now what “it” ~Static~ is talking about, allow me to clarify:

HOBOS GET ALL DA BOOTAY!!!!

You can find more about Hobo sluts and Static by squatting at:

Static Krapsody – the place to find out of the ordinary humor the Land of Arse USA	http://www.krapsody.com
funny pics & videos, humor, comedy, satire
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“Hobosapien,” or, “Congratulations, Assholes!”

Julio — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:28:00 +0000

Here is the accepted standard of a “hobosapien” :

What is a hobosapien, you ask? A hobosapien is considered such if and only if the hobo is chronically homeless. Having your wife kick you out because you took nude pictures of her sister does not make you a hobo (although it does require massive balls). But if we analyze the question further, we still have not defined what a “hobo” is. What is a hobo, anyway? Luckily for us, our friends at the National Hobo Museum (NHM) have answered that question for us.

Scientists believe this museum to be the birthplace of the first "hobo" known only as "Garfunkele the Drunk"

A hobo is not a lazy, good-for-nothing drunken vagrant, nor is he the manifestation of hopelessness and suffering. No, a hobosapien is as such by choice. Who but the wealthiest of individuals have “a way of life where you are not bound by time schedules, home owner bills, job expectations, the IRS…travel wherever you want…and never pay taxes.” Homelessness is not suffering, but in fact is a “lifestyle/culture so sweet, so addictive, so seductive, so intoxicating…” and SO amazing that living with a roof over your head is practically torture! Where else can you taste food 2 months past the expiration date? How do you know what a McMuffin tastes-like when marinated in ketchup and soda for 3 days? Only by living the hobo-lifestyle can one truly become a “hobosapien.”

Congratulations “Bum-Hunters”: You’re a FUCKING asshole!

What’s the appeal of the hobo life? First of all, being a hobo can also be a lot of fun; in fact, it’s a lot like bieng a pirate! Hobos, like pirates, live on the fringes of society. Like pirates, hobos search for treasure, though instead of gold deblumes, hobos usually uncover rotting food scraps or half-empty beer bottles. They usually are missing a leg (or two) and because they don’t have ‘real’ parrots, they repeat everything they say (which is usually to themselves) twice. Hobos even follow their own “hobo code,” a strict set of guidlines which explain the art of doing nothing to better oneself in a respectable and polite manner.

See, being homeless can be fun! Who wants to play Lord of the Rings…for the next 60 years?

To speak of hobos, however, without first talking about assholes is exactly like speaking of shit without first talking about food. You see, much like shit, hobos do not start off as hobos. First they are regular people like you are me. Unlike you or me, however, hobos eat out of trashcans and create endless amusement using only black markers and cardboard. But before they ascend to greatness, it is required that the hobos go through the system of assholes which is specifically designed to bring out the “inner hobo” in all of us. We all know where babies come from…but where do hobo-babies (or ho-babies) come from?

Baby hobo, exhibiting a natural ability for civil disobedience

Ho-babies are considered as such if and only if they were addicted to crack from the second they were born because of their mother’s drug usage. Crack, by the way, was deliberately distributed to poor black communities by the CIA during the Vietnam War. But I digress. You see, most if not all homeless people suffer from some type of mental illness or physical disability. Drug use by their mother greatly increases the odds of this occurring, in addition to building a life-long desire for mault liquor, shitty weed and, of course, smoking crack. As you can clearly see, we now have all of the key engredients required for creating a hobosapien. Making your own hobo has never been so easy! Just remember that hobos by their very nature are to be feared; why else do we pretend to be hobos on Holloween?!

No, this isn’t not “The Sims: Hobo Edition.” This is actually how hobos are made. For reals.

It doesn’t stop there, you see. The hobo may be entitled to mental health and drug rehabilitation services that could get their life back on track. An educational system that addresses the problem of homelessness for a student as much as preparation for a standardized test could break the cycle of poverty and learned helplessness. Unfortunately, someone doesn’t want the cycle to break…someone known only as the one-and-only GIANT fucking asshole, AKA the: prick; giant dick; dick-and-ass fucker; fuck-ass shit sucker; or “ass-hole not otherwise specified (AH-NOS).”

Above: world’s biggest A-hole

You see, the fucking asshole doesn’t like hobos. Unlike you or me, the fucking asshole is not entertained by hobos in and of themselves. They treat hobos like garbage for one simple reason: they can. They have a deep desire to perpetuate a lower-class of persons in order to artificially elevate their own status and overstate their own accomplishments. For these people, without hobos, the idea of having 9 homes just wouldn’t be as glamorous. When coupled with the fact that many people have NO homes, however, 9 homes is just, well, a fucking incredible example of a successful free-market economy! Not to mention the fact that hobos who actually DO rise above homelessness end up doing menial physical labor at the expense of their physical well-being all for the simple goal of building new condiminiums, sports arenas and other useless yuppie garbage that only makes the world a better place for those who can afford it.

This statium is DEFINATELY worth the cost of getting 700,000 homeless people the help they need! USA: 1 Hobos: 0

But then again, maybe hobos are just LAZY. I mean, the fact that 1/3 of the homeless are severely mentally ill only illuminates the liberal bias of psychology and its over 60 years of intricately analyzed methodology and research. Perhaps then ALL of social science is hogwash. I mean, what is a “random sampling” other than individuals who are randomly selected from the group demographic of the particular study that alltogether represents the demographic as a hole. I mean, other than being the basic foundation of sound law-making in this country, what IS social science anyway? Sounds like liberal fact-finding of the reality-centered Left…yea, that’s it…Great Job!

“HoBlogging” (i.e. Hobo Blogging) and “Twittering Without a Nest”

Julio — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 18:11:00 +0000

Say goodbye to Youtube, Facebook and even Google because there is a new phenomenon taking the internet by storm: HoBlogging (i.e. hobo blogging). Yes, this is no typo; hobloggers do exist. Remember the hobo that always sits near a pile of garbage between Taco Bell and McDonalds? He has a blog. The naked Mexican whose best friend is a shopping cart filled with empty boxes of cigarettes? He’s got a blog too. It appears that even homeless people, the absolute lowest class in society, cannot abstain from writing about the mundane aspects of everyday life.

Most Recent Post: Interview with the GIANT SHIT I took on 7th ave. near FootLocker

What are they writing about? The best place in the city to grab a hamburger…half-eaten? The loudest nightclub…that you can hear from the alleyway? The nuances of local produce…found in a dumpster as compared to canned produce…found on the ground near the dumpster? Although little is known about the origins of HoBlogging, one can surmise that it began with the mystical union of a hobo, a computer and frequent complaints by library patrons regardeing a pungent odor…an odor itself ceated by the mustical union of urine, human fecal matter and used tampons (classic signs of a hobo blogger, or HoBlogger).

Artist’s rendering of a hobo-compatable computer. Powered by spare change.

This phenomenon first caught my attention during one of my frequent visits to lifelong rival NPR. The story (click here) told of the online adventures of Eric Sheptock (visit blog here), a part-time janitor and full-time hobo. He started a blog using the hobo-friendly facilities available in the Washington D.C. (i.e., hobo capital of the U.S., i.e. juxtoposition of imaginary U.S. wealth/freedom and real U.S. poverty/class warefare.). His blog focuses on educating the house-living home-ful public about very true and very disturbing facts about homelessness. Since I haven’t actually read it, however, I prefer to imagine that it provides helpful tips on topics such as: sign-drafting and design; loitering safety; and how to bathe in a public restroom.

“I don’t cleam, I’m not cleaM“

Look, hobos. Since you’re capable of blogging I am sure that you’re probably reading this (certainly no one with a life would!). I don’t hate the homeless. I feel your pain. I, too, know what it is like to wake up every morning in a different place covered with my own bodily fluids (LSD is a crazy drug!). I am forced to ask total strangers for change on a daily basis (though us house’d folk call them “tips”). I even dig through dumpsters and garbage cans for food (no witty remark this time…I just love eating garbage!). You may not like the fact that I am making light of your plight (that rhymes!), and it may be my one-way ticket to eternal damnation (forced to read hoblogs for ALL ETERNITY!), but if you can’t find humor in everything, anything can end up making you feel hopeless (deep man…real deep).

Oh, and did I mention they produce their very own hobo “tweets”, AKA “Tweets without Nests”? Below is a list of my favorite hobo-authored twitter activity (*note: not all tweets are by the same HoBlogger):

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fist time eva using twitter…anybodey have spare change?

6:34 PM April 7th from the web

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found a half-full (or half-empty, depending on how you look at it) bottle of Coca Cola. Turns out it was filled with piss…MY piss.

7:14 AM April 7th from the web

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got a flat shopping-cart-tire today. Tride to steel new 1 from BestBuy but police sed noes.

11:45 AM March 12th from the new cardboard computer

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Banker LFW (Looking for Work). Former employers: Enron, AIG, Lehman Bros. N33d $$$ to keep Yacht.

3:30 PM March 6th from my Yacht

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find another half-full bottle of Coca Cola. Also filled with piss…probly same bottle as b4 =(

8:14 AM April 7th from the web

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Above: Photo of Eric Sheptock, first of what we hope to be many “HoBloggers.” If you or anyone else are in the D.C. area and would like to provide him with assistance and/or use him in a satirical documentary on the financial disparities that exist in the USA, please e-mail him at ericsheptock@yahoo.com